Fic: Lives Are For Living. (3/35)
Aug. 12th, 2013 12:28 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
silver_sunTitle Lives Are For Living. (3/35)
Fandoms Torchwood/Being Human crossover fic.
Characters/pairings Andy Davidson/Tom McNair. Other Torchwood and Being Human characters will appear later on.
Word count: This part 2000. Total will be over 65k.
Rating This part all ages. Later parts adult.
Contains Mentions of depression/anxiety. Mentions of past canon character death. In later parts violence, graphic sex, Andy's homophobic mother.
A/N: Crossover with Being Human. Technically a CoE fix it as it's set in the same 'verse as Finding Ways To Smile Again (although that isn't apparent in much later in the story). Follows on from Break and Breakaway from Tom McNair's POV.
Starts here: http://the-silver-sun.livejournal.com/214504.html
The tea wasn't too bad, although Andy suspected that the milk was getting to the point were it would soon have to be thrown away. Hot and too sweet compared to how he'd usually drink it, it did seem to help calm his nerves a little. The fact that Tom seemed completely unfazed by needing to rescue him and was apparently more prepared than a boyscout for dealing things, helped too. Once he knew he would have probably been able to think of something witty to say, but he was out of practice with talking to people who weren't questioning about his every moved or trying to fix him.
Sitting next to Tom, Andy could see three thick, raised lines of scar tissue that were plainly visible through his short cropped, dark hair. They looked, Andy thought, like huge claw marks. But whether he was projecting his own experience with weevils onto it he wasn't sure. Realising that he'd been staring too intently for just a little too long, he quickly looked down at the ornate cross picked out in dark ink on Tom's calf, and said “That's a nice tattoo.”
“This?” Tom pulled the leg of his cargo shorts up to his knee so that Andy could see the rest of it. “I got this done for me eighteenth. Me dad saved up for it.” He smiled brightly for a moment and then it faded. “I were going to get another one done for me twenty first, but...” he stopped and shrugged.
Way to go, Andy thought bitterly, upset the only person who's been nice to you recently. Is it any wonder nobody wants to know you any more? “Sorry, I shouldn't have asked.”
“Nah, it's okay. I just forgot, that's all.” Tom got up and turned away rubbing at his eyes as he did. “I wouldn't have wanted to get it wiv out m'dad anyways.”
Something painful twisted in Andy's chest as he saw the stiff set of Tom's shoulders. Standing up, Andy felt a slight twinge of pain from his scratched leg, but nothing too bad, and then, hoping that he was doing the right thing, put his hand on Tom's arm. “How long ago did you lose him?” Andy asked carefully, falling back on his police training for dealing with people.
Tom sniffed loudly and rubbed his eyes again. “I'll be a year in a few weeks.”
It had been a few years since Andy had lost his own father and he knew all too well how grief could ambush you at the oddest of times. He wondered if he should try the 'time heals all' routine, but he couldn't bring himself to do it, not when he wasn't sure that it was even true any more. And telling him just to cheer up was too thoughtless – he'd had enough of people trying that with him when he'd felt like he life was falling apart after his suspension from the police. Instead he just said, “You want to go for a drink?”
XXXX
It took a little longer than the half hour or so Andy thought it would take to walk down into Cwm Elan village, but the weather was fine and his leg felt reasonably okay.
The Red Dragon pub in the centre of the village was small and traditional, with low beams that meant he had to duck every time he went through a door. Andy knew that it was mostly an air it carefully maintained act to attract the hikers and cyclists who stopped of there on their way to walk and ride around the hills and lakes.
After two and a half pints, Andy realised that Tom was definitely getting rather tipsy. Funny and affectionate, but apparently failing to realise that was being either, Andy couldn't find it in himself to object as Tom leant against his shoulder and told him awkward customers in a cafe he'd once worked at.
All in all, Andy thought, as he watched him talk, drink and crunch his way through a packet of crisps, Tom was actually rather adorable. It had been a long time since he'd felt this relaxed around anybody or had anybody to talk with. The fact that Tom knew nothing of his past, didn't look at him with suspicion or constantly ask him how he was made Andy hate the fact that he was going to have to tell Tom that they'd probably better stop after their current drinks or it would be an interesting walk back to the farm.
Wondering if he should suggest that they get soft drinks for the next round, and hoping to keep the conversation going for a little bit longer, Andy said, “So your camping trip, where are you planning on going next?”
Tom frowned and then said, “I dunno. Just wherever I want I 'spose. Not like I've got to be anywhere and no ones waiting for me.”
Either Tom was astonishingly innocent or just didn't care about what happened to him, Andy though concerned about was really going on in Tom's head. Going out and potentially getting drunk with somebody you didn't know and telling them that no one knew where you were and no one would miss you if you went missing was, Andy decided, as saddening as it was dangerous. Tom was the sort of young man that all too often fell through the cracks in society, the cruel and uncaring of the world using them for their own gain before either leaving them broken and destitute or occasionally dead.
Tom had fallen silent and Andy wondered for a moment if perhaps he'd had too much to drink. Not that what they'd was a lot, but he got the impression that Tom very rarely drank and they hadn't had anything to eat yet to help soak it up. Tom looked sad though rather than sick, but Andy thought he'd better ask, just in case. “Are you alright?”
“Jus' thinkin'” Tom closed his eyes and leant back against the wall behind his seat. “About m'dad.”
“They say it helps to remember the good times,” Andy said, rather at a loss what to say as he didn't want to make the situation worse.
“I do remember the good bits,” Tom said, sounding confused about why anyone would think he wouldn't. “It's the bad bits, like how I found him, that I don't wanna remember.”
Tom looked more in need of a hug than just about anyone Andy had seen, so he carefully put an arm around him. When Tom didn't pull away, he said, “That's awful. Had he been ill or...” Andy stopped. He wasn't a policeman on duty carrying out an investigation, he was just a bloke in the pub who was trying to help somebody who really needed a friend.
“I'd gone out for the night, stuff I had to do...” Tom trailed off, then picking up his pint, gulped what was left of it. “The house didn't feel right when I got back. And I found just lying there on the floor, blood everywhere.”
Any idea that Andy might have had about Tom's late, and obviously much missed father having expired quietly in front of the telly died before it was fully realised. The quiet, matter of fact tone laced through with despair with which he said it, Andy found heartbreaking, and his own voice wasn't quite steady when he said, “Are you going to be okay?”
Tom sniffed and nodded. “I 'spose. Me dad would've wanted me to be.”
It wasn't all that convincing an answer, but it was better in Andy's opinion than an outright lie like 'of course I am.' Hoping that he wouldn't regret it and that it wouldn't cause further upset, Andy said, “Do you want to talk about it or anything?”
Looking down, Tom picked at the edge of a beermat, scraps of paper falling onto the floor.”Nah, not much to tell.”
Tom lies so badly that under different circumstances, Andy thinks, it might even be funny. Now it just worries him, not because he thinks that Tom could be dangerous or had anything to do with the death, but that perhaps the reason he's wandering the countryside with no place to go is because he's in danger.
“Anyway,” Tom continued. “I don't really know yer, so I probably shouldn't be tellin' you all this stuff. Yer be thinking I'm right wet.”
“Sometimes it's easier to tell someone who doesn't know you and won't judge you.” The words, which were tied up with too many of his own insecurities were out before Andy could stop himself.
Talking to people who knew him, especially about things that would change their perception of him had never been something he'd found easy.
A lot of the time Gwen had been one of the few people he'd really been able to turn to. But since the mess he'd made of supporting Gwen when she'd gone to see Ianto's sister, she'd become rather more distant with him. He'd been trying to spare her the kind of things a grief stricken family might say upon the shock revelation that their dearly departed was gay. He knew how his own mother would have reacted. It was one of the reasons why still hadn't come out to the world and admitted that he found both men and women attractive. Between his family's attitudes and the already difficult situation at work, he'd felt like admitting it would cause his world to fall apart even more than it already had.
There were a few men in Cardiff who knew and who'd spent a hopefully memorable night with him,but other than that it was a life lived in secret. Because his choices, as he was them, was either being cut off from his family because of their intolerance or a life secrecy and denial about his own sexuality. They were both no win situations where he knew he'd miserable no matter what choice he made.
He wished he'd told Gwen before everything fell apart. Part of him knew that the distance was because Gwen had so much crap going on in her life with the disintegration of Torchwood and a young baby to deal with, but after months of suspicion and being blanked by colleagues he'd worked with for years, he couldn't silence the idea that it was all his fault, that it was him that was the problem, that he just made everything worse. Just like you did with Nikki Bevan, he thought bitterly. He still didn't know what had happened, just that afterwards she told him never to contact her again.
Tom prodded his shoulder and Andy blinked, suddenly realising that Tom had been speaking to him. Trying to concentrate on something other than the anxiety that was trying to claw at him in a way he'd not let it in some time, he said, “Sorry I didn't quite catch that.”
“I said are you okay? Only you was staring off, like you wasn't really here.” Tom looked at him, a worried frown on his face. “Perhaps you've had enough.” He nodded towards Andy's drink.
Andy wanted to snap at him. To tell him no, he not alright and it's not down to having a couple of pints. It's because he's lonely and his life feels completely out of control and nothing that he can do make it any better, and Tom being there and reminding him of just how much he missed just having friends was making it worse. Tom didn't deserve that though, there was nothing about him that didn't seem to be nice and caring. So Andy nodded. “It been a long day, so I think we should head back. I can get us something to eat if you like.”
There was a flicker of something in Tom's eyes that suggested that he realised that Andy wasn't being entirely truthful, but he just smiled and said, “Okay.”
Additional notes:
Tom's tattoo looks like this. http://ic.pics.livejournal.com/the_silver_sun/12488175/75676/75676_original.jpg Screen cap is from the end of the first episode Tom appeared in, BH 3x01 Lia.
The Red Dragon pub in Cwm Elan is fictional. There doesn't appear to be a pub in the village as far as I can tell from maps and google street view.
From Andy's POV at this point he believes what happened in Children of Earth is what actually happened regards Ianto. The Ianto, Jack, Doctor storyline from Finding Ways to Smile Again is happening rough parallel timewise to this.
The situation with Nikki Bevan (Jonah Bevan's mum in Adrift) is based off a much older short fic I wrote for [Bad username or site: “writerinadrawer” @ livejournal.com] back in 2008. And can be found here: http://the-silver-sun.livejournal.com/31568.html#cutid1
Part 4 http://the-silver-sun.livejournal.com/217599.html
Fandoms Torchwood/Being Human crossover fic.
Characters/pairings Andy Davidson/Tom McNair. Other Torchwood and Being Human characters will appear later on.
Word count: This part 2000. Total will be over 65k.
Rating This part all ages. Later parts adult.
Contains Mentions of depression/anxiety. Mentions of past canon character death. In later parts violence, graphic sex, Andy's homophobic mother.
A/N: Crossover with Being Human. Technically a CoE fix it as it's set in the same 'verse as Finding Ways To Smile Again (although that isn't apparent in much later in the story). Follows on from Break and Breakaway from Tom McNair's POV.
Starts here: http://the-silver-sun.livejournal.com/214504.html
The tea wasn't too bad, although Andy suspected that the milk was getting to the point were it would soon have to be thrown away. Hot and too sweet compared to how he'd usually drink it, it did seem to help calm his nerves a little. The fact that Tom seemed completely unfazed by needing to rescue him and was apparently more prepared than a boyscout for dealing things, helped too. Once he knew he would have probably been able to think of something witty to say, but he was out of practice with talking to people who weren't questioning about his every moved or trying to fix him.
Sitting next to Tom, Andy could see three thick, raised lines of scar tissue that were plainly visible through his short cropped, dark hair. They looked, Andy thought, like huge claw marks. But whether he was projecting his own experience with weevils onto it he wasn't sure. Realising that he'd been staring too intently for just a little too long, he quickly looked down at the ornate cross picked out in dark ink on Tom's calf, and said “That's a nice tattoo.”
“This?” Tom pulled the leg of his cargo shorts up to his knee so that Andy could see the rest of it. “I got this done for me eighteenth. Me dad saved up for it.” He smiled brightly for a moment and then it faded. “I were going to get another one done for me twenty first, but...” he stopped and shrugged.
Way to go, Andy thought bitterly, upset the only person who's been nice to you recently. Is it any wonder nobody wants to know you any more? “Sorry, I shouldn't have asked.”
“Nah, it's okay. I just forgot, that's all.” Tom got up and turned away rubbing at his eyes as he did. “I wouldn't have wanted to get it wiv out m'dad anyways.”
Something painful twisted in Andy's chest as he saw the stiff set of Tom's shoulders. Standing up, Andy felt a slight twinge of pain from his scratched leg, but nothing too bad, and then, hoping that he was doing the right thing, put his hand on Tom's arm. “How long ago did you lose him?” Andy asked carefully, falling back on his police training for dealing with people.
Tom sniffed loudly and rubbed his eyes again. “I'll be a year in a few weeks.”
It had been a few years since Andy had lost his own father and he knew all too well how grief could ambush you at the oddest of times. He wondered if he should try the 'time heals all' routine, but he couldn't bring himself to do it, not when he wasn't sure that it was even true any more. And telling him just to cheer up was too thoughtless – he'd had enough of people trying that with him when he'd felt like he life was falling apart after his suspension from the police. Instead he just said, “You want to go for a drink?”
XXXX
It took a little longer than the half hour or so Andy thought it would take to walk down into Cwm Elan village, but the weather was fine and his leg felt reasonably okay.
The Red Dragon pub in the centre of the village was small and traditional, with low beams that meant he had to duck every time he went through a door. Andy knew that it was mostly an air it carefully maintained act to attract the hikers and cyclists who stopped of there on their way to walk and ride around the hills and lakes.
After two and a half pints, Andy realised that Tom was definitely getting rather tipsy. Funny and affectionate, but apparently failing to realise that was being either, Andy couldn't find it in himself to object as Tom leant against his shoulder and told him awkward customers in a cafe he'd once worked at.
All in all, Andy thought, as he watched him talk, drink and crunch his way through a packet of crisps, Tom was actually rather adorable. It had been a long time since he'd felt this relaxed around anybody or had anybody to talk with. The fact that Tom knew nothing of his past, didn't look at him with suspicion or constantly ask him how he was made Andy hate the fact that he was going to have to tell Tom that they'd probably better stop after their current drinks or it would be an interesting walk back to the farm.
Wondering if he should suggest that they get soft drinks for the next round, and hoping to keep the conversation going for a little bit longer, Andy said, “So your camping trip, where are you planning on going next?”
Tom frowned and then said, “I dunno. Just wherever I want I 'spose. Not like I've got to be anywhere and no ones waiting for me.”
Either Tom was astonishingly innocent or just didn't care about what happened to him, Andy though concerned about was really going on in Tom's head. Going out and potentially getting drunk with somebody you didn't know and telling them that no one knew where you were and no one would miss you if you went missing was, Andy decided, as saddening as it was dangerous. Tom was the sort of young man that all too often fell through the cracks in society, the cruel and uncaring of the world using them for their own gain before either leaving them broken and destitute or occasionally dead.
Tom had fallen silent and Andy wondered for a moment if perhaps he'd had too much to drink. Not that what they'd was a lot, but he got the impression that Tom very rarely drank and they hadn't had anything to eat yet to help soak it up. Tom looked sad though rather than sick, but Andy thought he'd better ask, just in case. “Are you alright?”
“Jus' thinkin'” Tom closed his eyes and leant back against the wall behind his seat. “About m'dad.”
“They say it helps to remember the good times,” Andy said, rather at a loss what to say as he didn't want to make the situation worse.
“I do remember the good bits,” Tom said, sounding confused about why anyone would think he wouldn't. “It's the bad bits, like how I found him, that I don't wanna remember.”
Tom looked more in need of a hug than just about anyone Andy had seen, so he carefully put an arm around him. When Tom didn't pull away, he said, “That's awful. Had he been ill or...” Andy stopped. He wasn't a policeman on duty carrying out an investigation, he was just a bloke in the pub who was trying to help somebody who really needed a friend.
“I'd gone out for the night, stuff I had to do...” Tom trailed off, then picking up his pint, gulped what was left of it. “The house didn't feel right when I got back. And I found just lying there on the floor, blood everywhere.”
Any idea that Andy might have had about Tom's late, and obviously much missed father having expired quietly in front of the telly died before it was fully realised. The quiet, matter of fact tone laced through with despair with which he said it, Andy found heartbreaking, and his own voice wasn't quite steady when he said, “Are you going to be okay?”
Tom sniffed and nodded. “I 'spose. Me dad would've wanted me to be.”
It wasn't all that convincing an answer, but it was better in Andy's opinion than an outright lie like 'of course I am.' Hoping that he wouldn't regret it and that it wouldn't cause further upset, Andy said, “Do you want to talk about it or anything?”
Looking down, Tom picked at the edge of a beermat, scraps of paper falling onto the floor.”Nah, not much to tell.”
Tom lies so badly that under different circumstances, Andy thinks, it might even be funny. Now it just worries him, not because he thinks that Tom could be dangerous or had anything to do with the death, but that perhaps the reason he's wandering the countryside with no place to go is because he's in danger.
“Anyway,” Tom continued. “I don't really know yer, so I probably shouldn't be tellin' you all this stuff. Yer be thinking I'm right wet.”
“Sometimes it's easier to tell someone who doesn't know you and won't judge you.” The words, which were tied up with too many of his own insecurities were out before Andy could stop himself.
Talking to people who knew him, especially about things that would change their perception of him had never been something he'd found easy.
A lot of the time Gwen had been one of the few people he'd really been able to turn to. But since the mess he'd made of supporting Gwen when she'd gone to see Ianto's sister, she'd become rather more distant with him. He'd been trying to spare her the kind of things a grief stricken family might say upon the shock revelation that their dearly departed was gay. He knew how his own mother would have reacted. It was one of the reasons why still hadn't come out to the world and admitted that he found both men and women attractive. Between his family's attitudes and the already difficult situation at work, he'd felt like admitting it would cause his world to fall apart even more than it already had.
There were a few men in Cardiff who knew and who'd spent a hopefully memorable night with him,but other than that it was a life lived in secret. Because his choices, as he was them, was either being cut off from his family because of their intolerance or a life secrecy and denial about his own sexuality. They were both no win situations where he knew he'd miserable no matter what choice he made.
He wished he'd told Gwen before everything fell apart. Part of him knew that the distance was because Gwen had so much crap going on in her life with the disintegration of Torchwood and a young baby to deal with, but after months of suspicion and being blanked by colleagues he'd worked with for years, he couldn't silence the idea that it was all his fault, that it was him that was the problem, that he just made everything worse. Just like you did with Nikki Bevan, he thought bitterly. He still didn't know what had happened, just that afterwards she told him never to contact her again.
Tom prodded his shoulder and Andy blinked, suddenly realising that Tom had been speaking to him. Trying to concentrate on something other than the anxiety that was trying to claw at him in a way he'd not let it in some time, he said, “Sorry I didn't quite catch that.”
“I said are you okay? Only you was staring off, like you wasn't really here.” Tom looked at him, a worried frown on his face. “Perhaps you've had enough.” He nodded towards Andy's drink.
Andy wanted to snap at him. To tell him no, he not alright and it's not down to having a couple of pints. It's because he's lonely and his life feels completely out of control and nothing that he can do make it any better, and Tom being there and reminding him of just how much he missed just having friends was making it worse. Tom didn't deserve that though, there was nothing about him that didn't seem to be nice and caring. So Andy nodded. “It been a long day, so I think we should head back. I can get us something to eat if you like.”
There was a flicker of something in Tom's eyes that suggested that he realised that Andy wasn't being entirely truthful, but he just smiled and said, “Okay.”
Additional notes:
Tom's tattoo looks like this. http://ic.pics.livejournal.com/the_silver_sun/12488175/75676/75676_original.jpg Screen cap is from the end of the first episode Tom appeared in, BH 3x01 Lia.
The Red Dragon pub in Cwm Elan is fictional. There doesn't appear to be a pub in the village as far as I can tell from maps and google street view.
From Andy's POV at this point he believes what happened in Children of Earth is what actually happened regards Ianto. The Ianto, Jack, Doctor storyline from Finding Ways to Smile Again is happening rough parallel timewise to this.
The situation with Nikki Bevan (Jonah Bevan's mum in Adrift) is based off a much older short fic I wrote for [Bad username or site: “writerinadrawer” @ livejournal.com] back in 2008. And can be found here: http://the-silver-sun.livejournal.com/31568.html#cutid1
Part 4 http://the-silver-sun.livejournal.com/217599.html