Scars Etched in Heart and Mind (2/2) complete.

[silver_sun]

Scars Etched in Heart and Mind (2945 words) by silver_sun
Chapters: 2/2
Fandom: 陈情令 | The Untamed (TV)
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: Lán Zhàn | Lán Wàngjī/Wèi Yīng | Wèi Wúxiàn
Characters: Lán Zhàn | Lán Wàngjī, Wèi Yīng | Wèi Wúxiàn, Lán Qǐrén
Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Panic Attacks, Lán Zhàn | Lán Wàngjī Needs a Hug, First Kiss, Happy Ending, POV Lán Zhàn | Lán Wàngjī, POV Third Person Limited, Present Tense, Getting Together

Canon divergent au from the last few minutes of The Untamed.

Summary:

It tears at Lan Wangji's heart to let Wei Wuxian walk off in to the Jianghu without him. Yet he feels powerless to do anything else, certain Wei Wuxian needs his freedom, which he will not have if he remains with him in the Cloud Recesses. Walking back, alone once more, he breaks.

---

It's late, almost time for curfew, when they finally reach the Cloud Recesses. Little Apple’s speed having got progressively slower as the pieces of apple Wei Wuxian had bribed her with had become more infrequent.

Wei Wuxian still talks animatedly, but it’s clear he is tiring as well. Tired and concerned. The looks and small, reassuring touches that he gives him leaves Lan Wangji in little doubt that he is the source of that concern.

As much as he wants to arrive home in a timely fashion, Little Apple’s slowed pace is welcome. Lan Wangji is tired as well, his legs aching. Outwardly he knows he looks calm and composed once more, certainly enough so that no one apart from his brother or uncle would ever suspect anything to the contrary. Inwardly, however, he wants nothing more than to lay on his bed and not move for the rest of the day.

Not that it will be an option even when they do reach the Jingshi. He needs to explain himself to Wei Ying first, to reassure him that what happened today is not something that is new or frequent or worsening.

After leaving Little Apple to the care of the juniors on the gate, who looked at the donkey and at Wei Wuxian with a mixture of curiosity, confusions and distrust, they continue down the winding pathways towards the Jingshi.

Wei Wuxian is quiet now, as they walk through the moonlit woodland, seeming to not want to draw attention to their presence. Lan Wangji cannot find fault with this, although he finds himself already missing the constant, reassuring chatter.

They are almost there when Lan Qiren sees them. He is walking back from Jingshi, presumably having come to speak to Lan Wangji and found him still absent.

Walking briskly toward them, he says, “Wangji, what is he still doing here? I thought you said he was leaving.”

It is a valid question, even if he doesn't like the accusatory tone of voice his uncle uses to ask it. He needs to reply succinctly, calmly and state his case. It’s what is expected of him. More than that it is what is required of him. He feels his heart rate increase, he feels like a young junior caught out after curfew, knowing that punishment is coming.

He takes a breath. Tries to take a breath, he revises, as it catches in his throat. His heart rate increases. He can’t do this. He can’t face his uncle’s anger or disappointment. Not yet. Not when he still feels so raw. He can’t send Wei Ying away either. He forces the breath this time. It’s more like a gasp or a sob.

“Lan Zhan?” Wei Wuxian places a hand on his back, fingers spread wide. “It’s alright, it’s only your uncle. You’re home.”

“Wangji?” Lan Qiren steps forward, the concern on his face growing. Taking a firm grasp of his hand, he presses his fingers to his wrist. He frowns and then releases him. “Do you wish Xichen to be informed? Or a doctor. I can play for you, if that is what you need.”

“No.” It’s a shade too sharp and he regrets it, despite the fact he feels like he’s shaking apart inside. “It has passed. Do not worry, Wei Ying helped me safely home.”

“So I see. Then I will speak with you tomorrow. Rest well.” Lan Qiren turns to look at Wei Wuxian. He nods, a small, tight acknowledgement of his presence and perhaps of grudging thanks for bringing his nephew home. Then, without another word, he leaves.

“That wasn't so bad,” Wei Wuxian says, hand still resting on Lan Wangji’s back, as they watch the white robed figure disappear down the wooded path. “I thought he was going to throw me out.”

“I would not allow it.”

Wei Wuxian stares at him. “You can’t go against your family for me. I’m not worth-”

“You are worth everything. Never doubt that,” he replies, not willing to listen to Wei Ying disregard himself. Nor does he want to dwell on what would've happened if his uncle had refused to let Wei Ying stay. His heart and mind are not yet settled enough for an argument.

“Lan Zhan.” Wei Wuxian’s voice is soft now.

There is a pause when Lan Wangji is almost certain that Wei Wuxian is going to say something more. Finally though, he gives a small sigh, as if he can’t find the right words and he pats his back instead.

The Jingshi is calm and quiet as they step inside. It is also dark, lit only by moonlight, as he had left before it was necessary to light any lanterns.

Leaving his boots by the door, Lan Wangji sinks to his knees beside the table. He wants to be a good host, but he is exhausted and his legs throb. The bruises ache dully, while the knot of scar tissue that goes deep into his calf from where xuanwu had bitten him so many years before gives almost as much discomfort. It will not last. He knows that. With rest, by morning, it will be gone.

Lamps and incense are quickly lit by Wei Wuxian, as he takes charge of the situation. Soft, warm light fills the space around them, and Lan Wangji can feel some of the lingering tightness in his chest slowly start to ease.

“Do you want something to eat?” Wei Wuxian asks, as he settles the lid back on the incense burner.

Lan Wangji shakes his head. He hasn’t eaten since early that morning, but his stomach churns at the thought of food. To force himself now, he knows, would be a mistake. “If you are hungry, eat. Do not wait on my account.”

“I can wait a while,” Wei Wuxian says, sitting down beside him in an untidy sprawl. “Or we could have some tea. Or…” He looks around hopefully. “Emperor’s Smile.”

“I will buy more,” Lan Wangji replies. It would be against the rules to drink it himself, especially within the Cloud Recesses, but if Wei Ying wishes to drink it in the privacy of their home he will gladly buy it.

Their home.

He’s here with Wei Ying. They are home. It’s not just his home anymore. It is their home. Theirs together.

“You’re shivering,” Wei Wuxian says, taking hold of his hand. “Do you need someone to play for you, like your uncle said? Or a doctor? Would that help? I can make myself scarce for a while if -”

“Do not.” Interrupting feels wrong, but letting him out of his sight tonight will do the complete opposite of help, he knows that with absolute certainty.

“Lan Zhan, You can tell me anything, you know that, right? So can you tell me what’s wrong?” He strokes his hand. “I won’t tease you, not about this. I promise.”

“I know.” It’s terrifying and freeing at the same time to be able to share this with him.

“It…this has happened before,” Lan Wangji admits quietly, not looking up. “There are times when I lose myself in fear until I cannot think or act. It is difficult.”

“Today wasn’t the first time?”

“No.” The first time had been utterly terrifying and later, to his point of view, nonsensical. The Sunshot Campaign had been over. The rebuilding of the Cloud Recesses was progressing well. Wei Ying’s exposure of the cruelty of Jin Guangshan towards the surviving members of the Wen sect had yet to occur. All it had been was a fire. Just inky strips of bamboo that the youngest members of the sect had used to practise writing being disposed of. Yet the smell….
It had been the library pavilion burning again. It had been people he’d known his whole life dying around him. It was the fear his brother and uncle would be amongst them.

Wei Ying’s hand tightens over his own, anchoring him.

He will not speak of how it got so much worse after Wei Ying’s death. How at its very worst it was an almost daily occurrence. He will not burden him with that. He swallows, throat dry, almost painfully so at memories of how those first few years after the Nightless City had been. Without his brother’s presence he isn’t sure how he would have made it though. It is why he cannot abandon his brother now, when he is now the one in need of comfort and understanding.

There have been too many misunderstandings between himself and Wei Ying in the past. Although sometimes, perhaps, there had been no misunderstanding at all. Rather it had been a defence on both their parts against opening themselves up to the pain and heartache that speaking those things aloud would bring.

There can be no more misunderstandings now. No secrets between them. Nor thoughts of debt or obligation. He places his other hand on top of Wei Wuxian’s, so now they are holding onto each other. “This did not begin with you. Do not seek to blame yourself.”

There is a glassy sheen to Wei Wuxian’s eyes as he looks at him and Lan Wangji knows that without this reassurance he would have thought he was the cause of it.

Time seems to pass with syrupy slowness. Wei Wuxian’s hand is warm in his. He can feel the jump of his pulse in his wrist. It’s a moment on the threshold of another. It’s a place they have been many times before, but back then the circumstances meant that they could never take the next step.

“Wei Ying.” He strokes the side of his hand with thumb. Gentle. Intimate in a way they've not quite managed before. He should speak, yet what words should he say? What words can he say? I love you. I adore you. I want you to be in my life forever. I never want to be without you.

There is a moment of what looks like confusion on Wei Wuxian’s face, as he looks down at their hands, then he smiles. Small at first then bright and brighter at the realisation of what is trying to be said. “Lan Zhan. Really?"

He nods, still not able to give voicce to anything he is feeling. >

You like me? That kind of like me?”

“Always.” It’s not the grand confession that he’s once had in mind back before life had taken such a cruel toll on them. Nor is it anywhere near as eloquent as he would have liked. Yet it is done. It is done and there is such surprise and joy in Wei Ying’s eyes that he could weep with relief.

“Oh.” The smile turns shy for a moment, then Wei Wuxian says, “Can I?”

Lan Wangji blinks slowly, not sure about what he’s being asked. He feels flustered by him in a way that he hasn’t since they were both in their teens.

“Can I kiss you?” Wei Wuxian brushes his thumb gently across Lan Wangji’s lips. “I want to. If you want to.”

“Yes.” He has never been more certain of anything in his life. A lifetime of longing is compressed down into a single moment. He can’t wait any longer and pulls Wei forward, closing the last small gap, kissing him with all pent up desire that has been building for more than half a lifetime.

Wei Ying’s lips are warm and soft. They are slightly parted too, a small exclamation of surprise on them as he clearly hadn’t expected Lan Wangji to make the first move.

What is expected from a kiss he isn’t certain, but the way Wei Ying’s tongue touches his lips, brings thoughts of things he’s seen in books. Books like the one Wei Ying had shocked him with in the library so many years before. Books that detailed other ways mouths can be used. Mouths and other things.

He sucks gently on his lower lip, before lightly catching it between his teeth. A small, breathless sound escapes him as Wei Wuxian’s eyes close. It’s a noise that Lan Wangji thinks he would like to draw from him again. That and other sounds too.

“So eager, Lan Zhan!” There’s a flush to Wei Wuxian’s cheeks, his lips plump and damp. “Who knew you could be like this?”

“No one. Only you.” He strokes his hair, hands trembling slightly at the enormity of the moment. A moment that had seemed impossible for so many reasons. “Never anyone but you.”

“All those years…”

“Are passed.” Thoughts about those years are not something that Lan Wangji wants to have tonight. There will be times when they will talk of them, when it becomes necessary to go over that old hard ground. Tonight he wants nothing more than to live in the moment, to lose himself in having Wei Ying there in his arms.

Having Wei Ying at his side is no instant or certain cure that moments of awful, breath stealing fear and panic will not happen to him again. In fact Lan Wangji is almost certain that eventually it will. Those times when everything overwhelms him have become a part of him as much as the scars on his skin. Yet after so many years he has learnt methods to cope it and it's aftermath. They are not perfect, but the truly bad days are rare now and that is victory enough.

None of them who fought in the Sunshot Campaign or who were touched by it were left unscarred. Whether the scars are those that can be seen on the body or whether they are etched into the heart and mind is immaterial, they will carry them for their lifetime. Yet it does not mean there cannot be far more good days than bad ones. Or that those bad ones might become even more infrequent.

What the future will hold for any of them is unknown. For tonight however, they will drink tea and he will try to eat a little before it is time to sleep. Then they will go to bed together. Still achy and tired, and with little more than an hour until he should sleep, Lan Wangji doubts that anything more than sleep will occur tonight. Perhaps there is some disappointment in that, but they have many years ahead of them to learn each other’s bodies and of their likes and desires.

With hope for all the years yet to come, he pulls Wei Wuxian into his arms, kissing him with a joy he is grateful to once more be able to feel.