Lives are for living 35/40
Jul. 8th, 2014 08:28 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
silver_sunLives are for Living. (35/40)
Why had he said he’d go? Why had he said he’d drive? Sitting in the Landrover, Andy could feel his heart beating faster, his hands slick with sweat on the steering wheel. They’d not even reached the end of the track yet and he already wanted to turn around, drive back to the farm and lock himself in.
"Are you alright?" Gwen asked once they'd reached the main road. "You look like you're going to throw up or something."
He gripped the steering wheel tighter. Maybe if Gwen and him couldn't see that his hands were shaking then it wouldn't be true. "I'm fine."
Gwen have him her 'I so don't believe you look' and said, "If you're not feeling up to it, say. Really, I'm not going to be mad at you. Why don't we stop for a minute? I could drive for a while, if you want?"
He took a deep breath hoping that it would help, but it sound close to a sob to his own ears, and when he spoke he couldn't keep the tremor from his voice. "I'm fine, really. I'm fine."
"You're not. Andy, will you just stop the car for a minute?"
"Fine. Great, have it your way. I'm no use for anything." Andy pulled the landrover over to the side of the road with a screech of tires and he slammed on the breaks. "Jack bloody Harkness was right, I should just give up, shouldn't I? I'm no use to anybody."
"I didn't say that. I don't think that either," Gwen said, unfastening her seatbelt and leaning over to him. "I'm worried about you."
The inside of the landrover seemed stifling and after a couple of attempts Andy freed himself from his seat belt and opened the door. The air outside was damp and thick with the smell of freshly cut grass. Closing his eyes he tried to breathe, to slow his heart that felt like it was trying to beat out of his chest. It didn't help. He had to get away. Maybe if he had a few minutes to calm down he could do it. Who was he kidding? he thought bitterly, certainly not himself, and if he couldn't fool himself he was never going to fool Gwen. She would see how useless he was. "I can't do it," Andy said weakly, all but falling out of the landrover in his haste to get somewhere, anywhere else, even it it was only for a moment.
"What can't you do?" Gwen asked, following him out. "Andy? What's wrong?"
"This. The fight." Andy leant against a tree, legs feeling weak. "I don't know. Everything maybe."
"It's alright to be scared," Gwen said, putting a hand on his arm. "But you'll be alright. You’re stronger than you think. When it comes down to it, you’ll do it. I know you."
“No, you don’t, not any more. Why the hell do you think police got rid of me?" Andy snapped pulling away from her. “I bloody well lost the plot on duty didn't I? Pushed DCI Blanchard over. Though I was back on that housing estate with them taking the kids. I lost it, Gwen and I'm scared as hell it’ll happen again. That maybe I won't come back from it, that...that...oh I don't know. I don't know what to do any more.”
“I had no idea,” Gwen said sad and shocked. “Oh Andy, Why didn't you come and talk to me? You shouldn't have gone through that alone.”
“You'd had it worse that me, you'd lost Ianto, your job as far as I knew and Ceri were just a couple of weeks old. I felt like a sodding idiot. Loads of people have seen worse than that and just got on with it. Tom had seen worse as a kid and he's fine. And I'm...” Andy took a shaky breath, then covered his face with his hands. “I'm a failure, Gwen, I'm pathetic. I can't even help Tom when he needs me there. I don't deserve him.”
“You listen to me." Gwen lifted Andy's hands from his face. "I don't think I deserve Rhys a lot of the time. I probably don't if I'm honest. He's put up with so much shit because of what I do, because of Torchwood. He knows I'd let him go if that's what he wanted, but he's stuck by me, no matter what. And do you know what?”
He could barely look at her, scared to be caught up in her certainty as he was sure it would come crashing down around him later, that he'd be worse off in the end for believing that he was worth anything. “What?”
“I see the same thing there in you and Tom. You love each other. You stayed with Tom when he turned out to be werewolf for Christ's sake, I'm not even sure I'd manage that even for Rhys.” Gwen put an arms around him holding him tight. “You always cared so much for everybody. You wanted to help everyone.”
"So did you," Andy replied, wondering where the two young coppers straight out of training college had gone in the ten years since their first day on the beat. Sometimes it felt a lifetime ago, and at other it seemed like no time at all, that he'd not had enough time to learn anything of use at all. "But I was happy just making my patch safe. You? you always wanted to save the world."
"So we both did what we set out to then," Gwen said, trying to sound upbeat, but not entirely succeeding.
"If you want to go back home you can, and I'll stay with you and try to get in contact with Ianto and find out what is going on. Or we can go to Pen Mawr Farm and I'll go in and you can wait outside ready to drive us to wherever we need to go." Gwen paused for a moment and then continued, "Or if you feel you'll be alright doing it, you can come in with me. I don't think they'll have waited for us, but I carry a spare gun these days. You can use it if you want."
"I've never fired one," Andy said, hoping that she wouldn't insist. "I've never wanted to. I never even went on the taser training course."
"Maybe not then," Gwen replied. "It's not for everybody, and I'd hate you to have an accident with it because I didn't have time to show you how to use it properly." She paused at the drivers door of the landrover. "So am I driving you home or are we going to fight some vampires?"
"Fight vampires." Andy shook his head, laughter bubbling up, because it was probably that or cry. "Why are our lives so weird?"
"I don't know," Gwen said getting in and moving the seat forward. "But I suppose somebody's has to be. And I guess I'd rather it was mine than somebody elses. That I have to do it so most people don't have to have this stuff in their lives." She turned to look at him and smiled sadly. "It was why I tried to keep you out of Torchwood. I wanted to keep you safe."
It was hard not to believe that she was just saying it to get him to get back into the landrover with the minimum of fuss. Gwen was nice to people, of course she wouldn't tell him that it was because she'd known all along that he couldn't handle it. That she knew, like everybody else did he was no good for anything. "Thank you," Andy said, the words nearly sticking in his throat.
Getting back into the landrover was an effort, but Andy forced himself to do it, as the alternative, that they wasted time here and that maybe something awful would happen because they weren't there was the thing that finally drove him back into his seat.
While Gwen drove, Andy closed his eyes and tried follow some of the self help information that he'd been given when they'd still thought there was a chance that he'd remain on the force in some capacity. It wasn't as effective as he'd have liked it to be, but him not actually practicing any of the visualisation stuff apart from when he felt like he was breaking probably did limit its usefulness. Yet another thing that was his own stupid fault, Andy thought bitterly.
He looked out of the window at the full moon that hung bright and round over the steeply rising hills and moorland. He could do it. If he could find Tom, if he could make sure he was alright, them everything would be fine again. As long as he had Tom things would be okay in the end, because Tom had enough enthusiasm, enough hope and enough certainty for the future that it had to be, he wouldn't let anything come between him and the normal life he wanted for them both.
The attack on the vampires was already well underway as Gwen drove up the farm track past where the Torchwood SUV was parked. Getting out of the landrover was an effort, not turning and running as soon as he did was as well. It was only the thought that Tom was in there somewhere, fighting for his life perhaps amidst the smoke and shouting, that pulled him forward, following Gwen to the door.
Before Gwen could open it it flew open, a vampire, a stake in its chest tumbled onto the ground, crumbling to dust as it did so. Mickey retrieved the stake and then smiled at Gwen. "Took your time getting here. Got lost?" He took a spare stake from where it was pushed through his belt and held it out to her.
"Thought I give somebody else a chance," Gwen said, accepting it. "Is it really just as simple as stick it in their heart and whoomph you've got a pile of vampire dust?"
"Seems to be. Well as long as you can get the pointy end in them before they smack you one. They don't half hit hard." He looked back over his shoulder into the barn. “I’d better get back to it.”
“Keep safe,” Gwen said although he was already too far away to hear. Turning to Andy she said, "I'm going in. Are you waiting here or coming with me?"
Stop asking me, Andy thought, I don't know. It wouldn't do as an answer though, so after a moment he said, "I'm probably safer with you than out here on my own."
"There is that," Gwen said, stowing the stake through her belt and drawing her gun instead. "Do you think you'll be able to fight? I've got another gun if you want it or you can have the stake."
Andy looked around. Jack had staked one of the vampires he'd been fighting with, while Mickey had got hold of another, and Martha was checking on the two bodies in the arena. There was no way either of them could be alive, he thought. The first, a young man, lay in a corner, his clothing ripped and bloody and part of his face was clawed away, while the other, a middle aged woman was naked, her greying hair now matted with red from where her throat had been torn open.
Andy turned away, the scene seeming to spin around him. There was too much noise, the smell of blood was so strong even to his less than impressive human senses and he wondered how Tom was coping with it or whether as the werewolf he liked it. There was terrifying thought. "I don't know," he said, not sure if he was talking to Gwen or to himself.
Trying to find something to distract him from the carnage in the arena he looked round until he spotted the final member of the Torchwood team. Ianto was leaning against one of the cages, a stake held loosely in one hand, the other pressed against chest. "Is he alright?" Andy asked, worried that he was hurt.
Gwen looked over to Ianto and he gave her an exhausted nod.
“He will be," Gwen replied. "You know how we all thought he was dead, he nearly did die you know. An old friend of Jack's took him to another planet in the future to get new lungs. It's complicated. He's okay though, he just get tired a bit faster than he used to do."
"Oh right," Andy replied. Complicated really didn't cover even a bit of what Gwen had just said. Unbelievably strange and downright preposterous probably didn't either, but he decided that what he should take away from it was that somehow against the odds something wonderful and amazing had happened.
"I'll just check to make sure, find out what needs doing, okay?" she said. "It looks like it's winding down, but you can never be sure with these kind of things. You can think its all over and then 'bang!' it really is for someone."
There was definitely something more to than, but before Andy had the chance to ask what Gwen had already moved away. He was about to follow her when he heard a snarl, and he turned to see what looked like the creature from just about every werewolf movie ever made, leap down from the end of the tiered of seating and onto the stage. There was an answering growl and from where it had been hidden behind the tattered stage curtain a weevil appeared, its wrinkled face smeared with blood that almost certainly wasn't its own.
The partial transformation he'd seen in their living room a few months before had nothing on this. Nothing human was left. He took half a step forward and hand reaching out, although he barely knew what he was doing. "Tom."
The werewolf turned and looked at him, but yellow eyes showed no recognition, just a hunger and fierce . The weevil, seeing its chance, ran in, claws slashing wildly. The werewolf leaped back from the first attack, its great jaws snapping shut just short of the weevil's out stretched arm. Ducking in low for its next attack, the weevil raked one set of claws across the werewolf's chest, while the other ripped across its side.
The werewolf howled, staggered and then fell from the edge of the stage, disappearing from view. Andy stood locked in place, unable to tear his eyes from where the weevil raised its head in a shrill scream of triumph.
One second. Two. Three. Andy watched, chest aching, breath caught, as he expected any moment the werewolf to leap back up on the stage and finish the weevil. His feet moved almost automatically, taking him to where he could see around the stage. Tom, still a werewolf, lay on the ground, his shaggy chest heaving erratically, his eyes closed, while the pool of blood around him grew slowly larger.
"No!" Andy ran forward. "Leave him alone!"
The weevil snarled at him, but continued to advance, claws dripping red as it moved in for the kill.
Grabbing a shoe that was lying on the floor, lost by a vampire its haste to escape the slaughter, Andy threw it as hard as he could at the weevil's head. "Hey, You. Yes, you. Why don't you fight somebody who can fight back?" Quite what he'd do if it did actually take up his offer Andy wasn't sure, but he had to do something. Picking up a metal bar that had once been used to bar one of cages, Andy ran forwards, forcing the weevil to face him. The metal connected with the weevil's shoulder with enough force that Andy thought for a moment that he'd drop it, the bar vibrating in his hands. It wasn't enough to deter the weevil and it gave a howl of pain and rage and lashed out at him, claws ripping through his shirt sleeve. Andy was already swinging the bar again, this time it struck the weevil's face with teeth shattering force, and it dropped to the ground.
It snarled wetly, a bubbling sound accompanying the feral noise. It almost sounded to Andy as it was laughing, mocking him for his pathetic attempt at keeping Tom safe. He'd prove it wrong. Prove everybody wrong, his mother, his brother, all those in the police who he'd once thought were his friends. Andy swung the bar again, bringing it down as hard as he could on the weevil's head. He'd show them. He struck again. He wasn't a failure, he wasn't weak, he wasn't useless.
His arms ached and his hands were spattered with blood, and a quick glance at the weevil left him in no doubt that it wouldn't be fighting again. The bar dropped from his shaking fingers, and he fell to his knees, the overwhelming smell of blood and death making him retch.
Shaking, Andy got unsteadily to his feet. Tom still lay on the ground, the only change apparently having been to the size of the blood puddle around him, which was larger than before. "Tom!" He stumbled forwards, trying to get to him when he was grabbed about the waist.
“Stop, he’s still alive. The other werewolf the vampires had caught turned back to a person right after dying," Ianto said, trying to stop Andy from struggling out of his grip.
Surely Tom being alive was even more reason that he should get there quickly? Andy thought trying to break away from the arms that were wrapped tightly about him. He had to get to Tom and keep him alive. “I’ve got to…”
“He won’t know who you are.” Ianto held him tighter, although his breathing was starting to wheeze with the effort. “He could kill you and not realise what he’s done until it’s too late. Do you want him to have to live with that?”
It was a terrible, horrible truth and Andy went still, mind and heart warring about what he should do next.
Ianto risked loosening his hold on him, so that he could breathe a little easier. “Let Martha put him to sleep. It will be..."
The matter of fact coldness of it, Andy decided hurt the worst. That after all that Tom had done for them all they could see was an animal, not the kind and loving man who'd been willing to place his own life in danger to protect others . He looked around to see Martha leave the bodies in the arena and move towards Tom. "No!" Andy elbowed Ianto hard in the ribs, breaking his grip on his. "He's not an animal to be put down!"
"What? No, I'm sorry. Bad choice of words," Ianto said, grabbing him again and all but rugby tackling him to the floor. Coughing and wheezing he pinned Andy down, He said,"I meant anaesthetic. So she can treat him safely. She's a doctor. She'll do all she can. I promise. Nobody is dying tonight."
Andy was sure he should be apologising for thinking the worst, but nothing came out but a ragged sob and rush of tears that had been threatening since he'd left the house. Tom could be dying for all he knew and he couldn’t go to him. The stench of blood and worse the knowledge of where it came from made him gag. He'd just killed a weevil. Was that murder, even if it wasn't human?
"It's okay," Ianto said, still sounding a little breathless, but otherwise appearing to be alright. "I should have been a bit more careful with what I said. I'm the one who should be sorry."
Andy wiped his eyes and sniffed wetly. He felt wrung out and shivery, and there was the distinct possibility of breaking down again. "I didn't hurt you, did I?"
"I'm fine," Ianto replied, managing a bit of a smile. He changed his grip so that he was holding him rather than pinning him down. "I've had worse, believe me. Are you going to be alright?"
"I'm not sure what alright is anymore," Andy replied, surprised that he'd not claimed to be fine. Whether it was a good thing or not he wasn't sure.
"It gets better," Ianto said. "I've been there, where you can't see an end to it, were it fills up everything, where it hurts just to be alive, and remembering how you use to be feels like its ripping you apart. It doesn't completely go away, but it gets better. In the end it gets better."
Whatever he'd expected him to say, it wasn't that. Although with the sort crap that Torchwood seemed to get involved in it probably wasn't all that surprising. "I know," Andy replied, finding that he couldn't look at him. "Remembering it, it's not easy." He tried to swallow the lump in his throat, but he was still half choked when he said, "Thank you."
Ianto nodded and then said, "Martha's checking on him now. Do you want to go and see how he's doing?"
Looking around Andy could see the fight was pretty much over. A few of the vampires might have managed to reach the door to flee into the night, but nobody seemed to have the will to chase them down. Jack, Gwen and Mickey were making a sweep of the barn, checking to make sure that there were no vampires lurking in the shadows.
There was no way his outburst could have gone unnoticed, but obviously to Torchwood's way of thinking it didn't warrent any form of action. Or at least not immediate action. What Jack would have to say to him later about the Weevil and about scuffling with Ianto he didn't know. He supposed he'd deal with it, or more likely not, when and if it happened.
"How much of that is yours?" Ianto asked as they helped each other to their feet.
"I don't know, not much, maybe none of it," Andy replied, not wanting to look at the blood that spattered him. He felt a little faint and shivery, but that could easily be down to shock as injury, he told himself. He'd be fine until Martha had made sure Tom was going to be alright.
"He'll be okay. I know it's hard, but please don't worry," Martha said, standing back up as he approached and taking off her gloves. "He's lost a fair amount of blood, but werewolves seem to either be able to make more really quickly or can function with a lot less than I would think they'd need. Either way his pulse seems fine. He's just asleep right now. Once he's changed back he'll probably be mostly healed up. That's how it works as far as I understand it." She looked at the rest of them. "Right time for the rest of you. Jack, I know you okay, so could you make sure Ianto sits down and actually rests for a bit. We should be able to organise things ourselves for a few minutes without it being a complete disaster."
Ianto looked like he was about to protest, but Jack shook his head. Walking over to him, Jack whispered something in his ear, his thumb tracing a faint scar on Ianto cheek. Catching hold of Jack's hand, he lowered it and then kissed him.
Martha smiled and then looked away, satisfied that Jack and Ianto were looking out for each other. Turning to Mickey, she said, "I saw you get thrown into things a couple of times, anything I should know about?"
"A few bruises," he replied, stretching then wincing a bit. "I can wait."
"You'd better be telling the truth or you are in so much trouble when we get home. What about you, Gwen?"
Gwen nodded. "All fine here. Tired, who knew staking vampires was so much hard work?"
"So that just leaves you," Martha said, turning back to Andy. "How's your arm?"
"Arm?" Andy replied, the room seeming to spin a little as he tried to focus on her. "It's here. I...oh" He looked down at his left arm to see his shirt sleeve was ripped and bloody. The scratches beneath suddenly began to throb, although Andy was sort of aware that they had been all along, it was just that now the adrenaline rush was wearing off he was really beginning to feel it. "I'm okay," he said. "I don't think it too bad. I can wait."
"Right, time to sit down before you fall down," Martha said, indicating one end of the front row of seating that wasn't quite as badly damaged as the rest. "No arguments. I know you want me to help Tom, but I've done all I can until he changes back. And I want him out of here and back to your place. Actually I'd prefer him to be seem in a hospital, but taking a werewolf into A&E probably wouldn't be the best plan."
"Tom wouldn't want to go anyway," Andy replied, as she lead him over to the seats. "He doesn't like hospitals. And if it's alright with you, I really don't want to go either."
"Let me have a look at that arm and then I'll decide."
It took about twenty minutes of painful poking, prodding and cleaning with antiseptic which Andy was sure hurt worse than the initial injury before Martha was satisfied that it was clean enough to bandage. The scratches hadn't been all that deep, but the edges were ragged, and Martha had told him apologetically that they would scar. If that was the only lasting reminder of tonight, Andy decided he could live with it.
It took a further hour for Jack to decide they were able to leave. The two bodies and the dead weevil had been placed in the back of his landrover, despite his protests that he really didn't want them there. It had only been Gwen pointing out that the other option was to put Tom in the back, and having an injured werewolf who'd probably be very annoyed when he woke up, and who might take a chunk out of whoever was driving, that convinced him to let them put Tom in the back of the SUV.
Cold, sore and so exhausted that he wasn't sure how he was still his feet, Andy got into the SUV. That had been the one condition he'd insisted on, that if Tom was in the SUV so would he, as he want to be near Tom on the drive back, even if he wasn't in a state where he could talk to him yet.
"You'll be home soon," Martha said getting in beside him. "It's been a rough night, so don't be too hard on yourself. Take it easy for a while."
Andy nodded, and then curled up in his seat as much as he could. Home was good. Home with Tom was better. The engine rumbled into life, and Jack said something that made Martha laugh and Ianto make an indignant noise. Closing his eyes, Andy tried to rest and not give into the thoughts, the ones that told him all the many ways everything could still go horribly wrong.
Why had he said he’d go? Why had he said he’d drive? Sitting in the Landrover, Andy could feel his heart beating faster, his hands slick with sweat on the steering wheel. They’d not even reached the end of the track yet and he already wanted to turn around, drive back to the farm and lock himself in.
"Are you alright?" Gwen asked once they'd reached the main road. "You look like you're going to throw up or something."
He gripped the steering wheel tighter. Maybe if Gwen and him couldn't see that his hands were shaking then it wouldn't be true. "I'm fine."
Gwen have him her 'I so don't believe you look' and said, "If you're not feeling up to it, say. Really, I'm not going to be mad at you. Why don't we stop for a minute? I could drive for a while, if you want?"
He took a deep breath hoping that it would help, but it sound close to a sob to his own ears, and when he spoke he couldn't keep the tremor from his voice. "I'm fine, really. I'm fine."
"You're not. Andy, will you just stop the car for a minute?"
"Fine. Great, have it your way. I'm no use for anything." Andy pulled the landrover over to the side of the road with a screech of tires and he slammed on the breaks. "Jack bloody Harkness was right, I should just give up, shouldn't I? I'm no use to anybody."
"I didn't say that. I don't think that either," Gwen said, unfastening her seatbelt and leaning over to him. "I'm worried about you."
The inside of the landrover seemed stifling and after a couple of attempts Andy freed himself from his seat belt and opened the door. The air outside was damp and thick with the smell of freshly cut grass. Closing his eyes he tried to breathe, to slow his heart that felt like it was trying to beat out of his chest. It didn't help. He had to get away. Maybe if he had a few minutes to calm down he could do it. Who was he kidding? he thought bitterly, certainly not himself, and if he couldn't fool himself he was never going to fool Gwen. She would see how useless he was. "I can't do it," Andy said weakly, all but falling out of the landrover in his haste to get somewhere, anywhere else, even it it was only for a moment.
"What can't you do?" Gwen asked, following him out. "Andy? What's wrong?"
"This. The fight." Andy leant against a tree, legs feeling weak. "I don't know. Everything maybe."
"It's alright to be scared," Gwen said, putting a hand on his arm. "But you'll be alright. You’re stronger than you think. When it comes down to it, you’ll do it. I know you."
“No, you don’t, not any more. Why the hell do you think police got rid of me?" Andy snapped pulling away from her. “I bloody well lost the plot on duty didn't I? Pushed DCI Blanchard over. Though I was back on that housing estate with them taking the kids. I lost it, Gwen and I'm scared as hell it’ll happen again. That maybe I won't come back from it, that...that...oh I don't know. I don't know what to do any more.”
“I had no idea,” Gwen said sad and shocked. “Oh Andy, Why didn't you come and talk to me? You shouldn't have gone through that alone.”
“You'd had it worse that me, you'd lost Ianto, your job as far as I knew and Ceri were just a couple of weeks old. I felt like a sodding idiot. Loads of people have seen worse than that and just got on with it. Tom had seen worse as a kid and he's fine. And I'm...” Andy took a shaky breath, then covered his face with his hands. “I'm a failure, Gwen, I'm pathetic. I can't even help Tom when he needs me there. I don't deserve him.”
“You listen to me." Gwen lifted Andy's hands from his face. "I don't think I deserve Rhys a lot of the time. I probably don't if I'm honest. He's put up with so much shit because of what I do, because of Torchwood. He knows I'd let him go if that's what he wanted, but he's stuck by me, no matter what. And do you know what?”
He could barely look at her, scared to be caught up in her certainty as he was sure it would come crashing down around him later, that he'd be worse off in the end for believing that he was worth anything. “What?”
“I see the same thing there in you and Tom. You love each other. You stayed with Tom when he turned out to be werewolf for Christ's sake, I'm not even sure I'd manage that even for Rhys.” Gwen put an arms around him holding him tight. “You always cared so much for everybody. You wanted to help everyone.”
"So did you," Andy replied, wondering where the two young coppers straight out of training college had gone in the ten years since their first day on the beat. Sometimes it felt a lifetime ago, and at other it seemed like no time at all, that he'd not had enough time to learn anything of use at all. "But I was happy just making my patch safe. You? you always wanted to save the world."
"So we both did what we set out to then," Gwen said, trying to sound upbeat, but not entirely succeeding.
"If you want to go back home you can, and I'll stay with you and try to get in contact with Ianto and find out what is going on. Or we can go to Pen Mawr Farm and I'll go in and you can wait outside ready to drive us to wherever we need to go." Gwen paused for a moment and then continued, "Or if you feel you'll be alright doing it, you can come in with me. I don't think they'll have waited for us, but I carry a spare gun these days. You can use it if you want."
"I've never fired one," Andy said, hoping that she wouldn't insist. "I've never wanted to. I never even went on the taser training course."
"Maybe not then," Gwen replied. "It's not for everybody, and I'd hate you to have an accident with it because I didn't have time to show you how to use it properly." She paused at the drivers door of the landrover. "So am I driving you home or are we going to fight some vampires?"
"Fight vampires." Andy shook his head, laughter bubbling up, because it was probably that or cry. "Why are our lives so weird?"
"I don't know," Gwen said getting in and moving the seat forward. "But I suppose somebody's has to be. And I guess I'd rather it was mine than somebody elses. That I have to do it so most people don't have to have this stuff in their lives." She turned to look at him and smiled sadly. "It was why I tried to keep you out of Torchwood. I wanted to keep you safe."
It was hard not to believe that she was just saying it to get him to get back into the landrover with the minimum of fuss. Gwen was nice to people, of course she wouldn't tell him that it was because she'd known all along that he couldn't handle it. That she knew, like everybody else did he was no good for anything. "Thank you," Andy said, the words nearly sticking in his throat.
Getting back into the landrover was an effort, but Andy forced himself to do it, as the alternative, that they wasted time here and that maybe something awful would happen because they weren't there was the thing that finally drove him back into his seat.
While Gwen drove, Andy closed his eyes and tried follow some of the self help information that he'd been given when they'd still thought there was a chance that he'd remain on the force in some capacity. It wasn't as effective as he'd have liked it to be, but him not actually practicing any of the visualisation stuff apart from when he felt like he was breaking probably did limit its usefulness. Yet another thing that was his own stupid fault, Andy thought bitterly.
He looked out of the window at the full moon that hung bright and round over the steeply rising hills and moorland. He could do it. If he could find Tom, if he could make sure he was alright, them everything would be fine again. As long as he had Tom things would be okay in the end, because Tom had enough enthusiasm, enough hope and enough certainty for the future that it had to be, he wouldn't let anything come between him and the normal life he wanted for them both.
The attack on the vampires was already well underway as Gwen drove up the farm track past where the Torchwood SUV was parked. Getting out of the landrover was an effort, not turning and running as soon as he did was as well. It was only the thought that Tom was in there somewhere, fighting for his life perhaps amidst the smoke and shouting, that pulled him forward, following Gwen to the door.
Before Gwen could open it it flew open, a vampire, a stake in its chest tumbled onto the ground, crumbling to dust as it did so. Mickey retrieved the stake and then smiled at Gwen. "Took your time getting here. Got lost?" He took a spare stake from where it was pushed through his belt and held it out to her.
"Thought I give somebody else a chance," Gwen said, accepting it. "Is it really just as simple as stick it in their heart and whoomph you've got a pile of vampire dust?"
"Seems to be. Well as long as you can get the pointy end in them before they smack you one. They don't half hit hard." He looked back over his shoulder into the barn. “I’d better get back to it.”
“Keep safe,” Gwen said although he was already too far away to hear. Turning to Andy she said, "I'm going in. Are you waiting here or coming with me?"
Stop asking me, Andy thought, I don't know. It wouldn't do as an answer though, so after a moment he said, "I'm probably safer with you than out here on my own."
"There is that," Gwen said, stowing the stake through her belt and drawing her gun instead. "Do you think you'll be able to fight? I've got another gun if you want it or you can have the stake."
Andy looked around. Jack had staked one of the vampires he'd been fighting with, while Mickey had got hold of another, and Martha was checking on the two bodies in the arena. There was no way either of them could be alive, he thought. The first, a young man, lay in a corner, his clothing ripped and bloody and part of his face was clawed away, while the other, a middle aged woman was naked, her greying hair now matted with red from where her throat had been torn open.
Andy turned away, the scene seeming to spin around him. There was too much noise, the smell of blood was so strong even to his less than impressive human senses and he wondered how Tom was coping with it or whether as the werewolf he liked it. There was terrifying thought. "I don't know," he said, not sure if he was talking to Gwen or to himself.
Trying to find something to distract him from the carnage in the arena he looked round until he spotted the final member of the Torchwood team. Ianto was leaning against one of the cages, a stake held loosely in one hand, the other pressed against chest. "Is he alright?" Andy asked, worried that he was hurt.
Gwen looked over to Ianto and he gave her an exhausted nod.
“He will be," Gwen replied. "You know how we all thought he was dead, he nearly did die you know. An old friend of Jack's took him to another planet in the future to get new lungs. It's complicated. He's okay though, he just get tired a bit faster than he used to do."
"Oh right," Andy replied. Complicated really didn't cover even a bit of what Gwen had just said. Unbelievably strange and downright preposterous probably didn't either, but he decided that what he should take away from it was that somehow against the odds something wonderful and amazing had happened.
"I'll just check to make sure, find out what needs doing, okay?" she said. "It looks like it's winding down, but you can never be sure with these kind of things. You can think its all over and then 'bang!' it really is for someone."
There was definitely something more to than, but before Andy had the chance to ask what Gwen had already moved away. He was about to follow her when he heard a snarl, and he turned to see what looked like the creature from just about every werewolf movie ever made, leap down from the end of the tiered of seating and onto the stage. There was an answering growl and from where it had been hidden behind the tattered stage curtain a weevil appeared, its wrinkled face smeared with blood that almost certainly wasn't its own.
The partial transformation he'd seen in their living room a few months before had nothing on this. Nothing human was left. He took half a step forward and hand reaching out, although he barely knew what he was doing. "Tom."
The werewolf turned and looked at him, but yellow eyes showed no recognition, just a hunger and fierce . The weevil, seeing its chance, ran in, claws slashing wildly. The werewolf leaped back from the first attack, its great jaws snapping shut just short of the weevil's out stretched arm. Ducking in low for its next attack, the weevil raked one set of claws across the werewolf's chest, while the other ripped across its side.
The werewolf howled, staggered and then fell from the edge of the stage, disappearing from view. Andy stood locked in place, unable to tear his eyes from where the weevil raised its head in a shrill scream of triumph.
One second. Two. Three. Andy watched, chest aching, breath caught, as he expected any moment the werewolf to leap back up on the stage and finish the weevil. His feet moved almost automatically, taking him to where he could see around the stage. Tom, still a werewolf, lay on the ground, his shaggy chest heaving erratically, his eyes closed, while the pool of blood around him grew slowly larger.
"No!" Andy ran forward. "Leave him alone!"
The weevil snarled at him, but continued to advance, claws dripping red as it moved in for the kill.
Grabbing a shoe that was lying on the floor, lost by a vampire its haste to escape the slaughter, Andy threw it as hard as he could at the weevil's head. "Hey, You. Yes, you. Why don't you fight somebody who can fight back?" Quite what he'd do if it did actually take up his offer Andy wasn't sure, but he had to do something. Picking up a metal bar that had once been used to bar one of cages, Andy ran forwards, forcing the weevil to face him. The metal connected with the weevil's shoulder with enough force that Andy thought for a moment that he'd drop it, the bar vibrating in his hands. It wasn't enough to deter the weevil and it gave a howl of pain and rage and lashed out at him, claws ripping through his shirt sleeve. Andy was already swinging the bar again, this time it struck the weevil's face with teeth shattering force, and it dropped to the ground.
It snarled wetly, a bubbling sound accompanying the feral noise. It almost sounded to Andy as it was laughing, mocking him for his pathetic attempt at keeping Tom safe. He'd prove it wrong. Prove everybody wrong, his mother, his brother, all those in the police who he'd once thought were his friends. Andy swung the bar again, bringing it down as hard as he could on the weevil's head. He'd show them. He struck again. He wasn't a failure, he wasn't weak, he wasn't useless.
His arms ached and his hands were spattered with blood, and a quick glance at the weevil left him in no doubt that it wouldn't be fighting again. The bar dropped from his shaking fingers, and he fell to his knees, the overwhelming smell of blood and death making him retch.
Shaking, Andy got unsteadily to his feet. Tom still lay on the ground, the only change apparently having been to the size of the blood puddle around him, which was larger than before. "Tom!" He stumbled forwards, trying to get to him when he was grabbed about the waist.
“Stop, he’s still alive. The other werewolf the vampires had caught turned back to a person right after dying," Ianto said, trying to stop Andy from struggling out of his grip.
Surely Tom being alive was even more reason that he should get there quickly? Andy thought trying to break away from the arms that were wrapped tightly about him. He had to get to Tom and keep him alive. “I’ve got to…”
“He won’t know who you are.” Ianto held him tighter, although his breathing was starting to wheeze with the effort. “He could kill you and not realise what he’s done until it’s too late. Do you want him to have to live with that?”
It was a terrible, horrible truth and Andy went still, mind and heart warring about what he should do next.
Ianto risked loosening his hold on him, so that he could breathe a little easier. “Let Martha put him to sleep. It will be..."
The matter of fact coldness of it, Andy decided hurt the worst. That after all that Tom had done for them all they could see was an animal, not the kind and loving man who'd been willing to place his own life in danger to protect others . He looked around to see Martha leave the bodies in the arena and move towards Tom. "No!" Andy elbowed Ianto hard in the ribs, breaking his grip on his. "He's not an animal to be put down!"
"What? No, I'm sorry. Bad choice of words," Ianto said, grabbing him again and all but rugby tackling him to the floor. Coughing and wheezing he pinned Andy down, He said,"I meant anaesthetic. So she can treat him safely. She's a doctor. She'll do all she can. I promise. Nobody is dying tonight."
Andy was sure he should be apologising for thinking the worst, but nothing came out but a ragged sob and rush of tears that had been threatening since he'd left the house. Tom could be dying for all he knew and he couldn’t go to him. The stench of blood and worse the knowledge of where it came from made him gag. He'd just killed a weevil. Was that murder, even if it wasn't human?
"It's okay," Ianto said, still sounding a little breathless, but otherwise appearing to be alright. "I should have been a bit more careful with what I said. I'm the one who should be sorry."
Andy wiped his eyes and sniffed wetly. He felt wrung out and shivery, and there was the distinct possibility of breaking down again. "I didn't hurt you, did I?"
"I'm fine," Ianto replied, managing a bit of a smile. He changed his grip so that he was holding him rather than pinning him down. "I've had worse, believe me. Are you going to be alright?"
"I'm not sure what alright is anymore," Andy replied, surprised that he'd not claimed to be fine. Whether it was a good thing or not he wasn't sure.
"It gets better," Ianto said. "I've been there, where you can't see an end to it, were it fills up everything, where it hurts just to be alive, and remembering how you use to be feels like its ripping you apart. It doesn't completely go away, but it gets better. In the end it gets better."
Whatever he'd expected him to say, it wasn't that. Although with the sort crap that Torchwood seemed to get involved in it probably wasn't all that surprising. "I know," Andy replied, finding that he couldn't look at him. "Remembering it, it's not easy." He tried to swallow the lump in his throat, but he was still half choked when he said, "Thank you."
Ianto nodded and then said, "Martha's checking on him now. Do you want to go and see how he's doing?"
Looking around Andy could see the fight was pretty much over. A few of the vampires might have managed to reach the door to flee into the night, but nobody seemed to have the will to chase them down. Jack, Gwen and Mickey were making a sweep of the barn, checking to make sure that there were no vampires lurking in the shadows.
There was no way his outburst could have gone unnoticed, but obviously to Torchwood's way of thinking it didn't warrent any form of action. Or at least not immediate action. What Jack would have to say to him later about the Weevil and about scuffling with Ianto he didn't know. He supposed he'd deal with it, or more likely not, when and if it happened.
"How much of that is yours?" Ianto asked as they helped each other to their feet.
"I don't know, not much, maybe none of it," Andy replied, not wanting to look at the blood that spattered him. He felt a little faint and shivery, but that could easily be down to shock as injury, he told himself. He'd be fine until Martha had made sure Tom was going to be alright.
"He'll be okay. I know it's hard, but please don't worry," Martha said, standing back up as he approached and taking off her gloves. "He's lost a fair amount of blood, but werewolves seem to either be able to make more really quickly or can function with a lot less than I would think they'd need. Either way his pulse seems fine. He's just asleep right now. Once he's changed back he'll probably be mostly healed up. That's how it works as far as I understand it." She looked at the rest of them. "Right time for the rest of you. Jack, I know you okay, so could you make sure Ianto sits down and actually rests for a bit. We should be able to organise things ourselves for a few minutes without it being a complete disaster."
Ianto looked like he was about to protest, but Jack shook his head. Walking over to him, Jack whispered something in his ear, his thumb tracing a faint scar on Ianto cheek. Catching hold of Jack's hand, he lowered it and then kissed him.
Martha smiled and then looked away, satisfied that Jack and Ianto were looking out for each other. Turning to Mickey, she said, "I saw you get thrown into things a couple of times, anything I should know about?"
"A few bruises," he replied, stretching then wincing a bit. "I can wait."
"You'd better be telling the truth or you are in so much trouble when we get home. What about you, Gwen?"
Gwen nodded. "All fine here. Tired, who knew staking vampires was so much hard work?"
"So that just leaves you," Martha said, turning back to Andy. "How's your arm?"
"Arm?" Andy replied, the room seeming to spin a little as he tried to focus on her. "It's here. I...oh" He looked down at his left arm to see his shirt sleeve was ripped and bloody. The scratches beneath suddenly began to throb, although Andy was sort of aware that they had been all along, it was just that now the adrenaline rush was wearing off he was really beginning to feel it. "I'm okay," he said. "I don't think it too bad. I can wait."
"Right, time to sit down before you fall down," Martha said, indicating one end of the front row of seating that wasn't quite as badly damaged as the rest. "No arguments. I know you want me to help Tom, but I've done all I can until he changes back. And I want him out of here and back to your place. Actually I'd prefer him to be seem in a hospital, but taking a werewolf into A&E probably wouldn't be the best plan."
"Tom wouldn't want to go anyway," Andy replied, as she lead him over to the seats. "He doesn't like hospitals. And if it's alright with you, I really don't want to go either."
"Let me have a look at that arm and then I'll decide."
It took about twenty minutes of painful poking, prodding and cleaning with antiseptic which Andy was sure hurt worse than the initial injury before Martha was satisfied that it was clean enough to bandage. The scratches hadn't been all that deep, but the edges were ragged, and Martha had told him apologetically that they would scar. If that was the only lasting reminder of tonight, Andy decided he could live with it.
It took a further hour for Jack to decide they were able to leave. The two bodies and the dead weevil had been placed in the back of his landrover, despite his protests that he really didn't want them there. It had only been Gwen pointing out that the other option was to put Tom in the back, and having an injured werewolf who'd probably be very annoyed when he woke up, and who might take a chunk out of whoever was driving, that convinced him to let them put Tom in the back of the SUV.
Cold, sore and so exhausted that he wasn't sure how he was still his feet, Andy got into the SUV. That had been the one condition he'd insisted on, that if Tom was in the SUV so would he, as he want to be near Tom on the drive back, even if he wasn't in a state where he could talk to him yet.
"You'll be home soon," Martha said getting in beside him. "It's been a rough night, so don't be too hard on yourself. Take it easy for a while."
Andy nodded, and then curled up in his seat as much as he could. Home was good. Home with Tom was better. The engine rumbled into life, and Jack said something that made Martha laugh and Ianto make an indignant noise. Closing his eyes, Andy tried to rest and not give into the thoughts, the ones that told him all the many ways everything could still go horribly wrong.