Fic: Lives Are For Living. (28/40)
Feb. 23rd, 2014 11:08 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
silver_sunTitle Lives Are For Living. (28/40)
Fandoms Torchwood/Being Human crossover fic.
Characters/pairings Andy Davidson/Tom McNair. Other Torchwood and Being Human characters will appear later on.
Word count: This part 3700 (Total posted 74,500 /90,000)
Rating This part pg (adult over all) – see contains below.
Contains Mentions of depression/anxiety. Mentions of past canon major character death. Mention of minor character death – not canon. In later parts canon level violence, graphic sex, Andy's homophobic mother. Spoilers for Being Human (UK version) up to series 5 episode 3, and for Torchwood up to Children of Earth.
A/N: Crossover with Being Human. Technically a CoE fix it as it's set in the same 'verse as Finding Ways To Smile Again (although that isn't apparent until about 2/3 the way through the story). Follows on from Break and Breakaway from Tom McNair's POV – which is where it breaks from Being Human canon.
Summary
After being pushed out of the police force following the events of Children of Earth, Andy Davidson tries to build a new life for himself in the deep in the Welsh countryside.
Tom McNair walked out off his old life after realising it wasn't what he needed.
A chance meeting would take their lives in directions that they had never expected and bring them love that they'd not thought they'd find.
Starts here: http://the-silver-sun.livejournal.com/214504.html
How Andy could still bear to be around him Tom had no idea. Lying, hiding the fact that he wasn't proper human and nearly transforming in front of him all felt pretty unforgivable, yet apparently Andy still loved him enough to hold him close and kiss him.
The kisses were alright, even if they were to the scars on his head, but being held was better, Tom thought as he stood shivering in the bath. Being held meant not falling over, which was a distinct possibility as his legs felt like jelly and his head was aching so badly that it made him feel lightheaded.
“Come on, lets get you dry,” Andy said, loosening his grip so that he could grab a towel. “Then I suppose we should talk, if you feel up to it.”
“No, don't let go. Feel weird,” Tom said, holding on tightly to Andy's jumper, his legs feeling like they might give way at any moment. “Really dizzy.”
“Does this happen every time?” Andy asked, keeping an arm about him as he helped Tom step out of the tin bath and walk unsteadily to the sofa.
“No,” Tom said as he fell more than sat down. “Not before. Not been ill.”
“You've never been ill before?” Andy said, sounding even more worried than before, if that were possible.
“No. I mean yes, I've bin ill. Not when I've changed.” Tom closed his eyes. It really wasn't fair that the room still seemed to be spinning when he was sitting down. Maybe if he leant forward a bit it would help, wasn't doing that that supposed to be good if you felt sick or faint?
“Whoa.”
Tom felt Andy grab his shoulder and pull him back. Opening his eyes, Tom asked, “What's wrong?”
“You nearly went face first off the sofa, that's what.” Sitting down next to him, Andy put an arm around him so he could lean forward without falling. “Should I be thinking about digging the landrover out and taking you to the nearest A and E or is this something werewolf-y that can't help with?”
“No, no doctors. I'll be alright. I think I need to eat.” Tom said. Normally he'd have eaten while he was the wolf, either a few rabbits or a large part of a sheep, as it was he'd not had anything since mid morning the day before when he'd just about managed to keep down a couple of slices of toast. Changing took a lot of energy, it was why after being the wolf you woke up, rather than had to suffer through changing back. “Yeah, not eating, that probably it.”
Andy looked round at the range in the corner of the room, apparently wondering if Tom would be alright if he left him long enough to make something. “Would soup do? I could do you some soup. But you should lie down. I don't think you can fall over if you're lying down.”
In the end, Andy heated up some chicken soup and got him a couple of slices of toast, and then sat with him while he ate it. The toast made his throat hurt and the soup made him feel rather queasy, but it seemed like it was going to stay in rather than out, so it was probably a win over all Tom decided.
“You should probably sleep,” Andy said, putting the mug and plate on the table now that Tom was done with it.
“What about you?” Tom asked, fairly certain that Andy wouldn't have slept yet either. Having a werewolf in the house wasn't really going to help you get a good nights sleep, was it? He'd put him through too much today already, the least he could do was let him get some rest. “You can have the bed. I'll stay here.”
“Is...is that what you want? For me to leave you alone?” Andy asked, sounding worried, eyes straying for a moment towards the front door, despite the fact that the snow storm could still be heard blowing outside. “Just promise me you won't try to leave if I do?”
“No. I don't want that, but what I did...lying an' that, not telling you before we did things together, it weren't right. 'cause there's no way you'd have wanted me of you'd known.” Tom closed his eyes again, mind whirling. He felt sick and weak, and beyond disgusted with himself. “I shouldn't have done it. It ain't right, I ain't right. You should be angry with me and want me to go, and never come back an'...You shouldn't want to be with a thing like me. You're too good for me, I don't deserve you. I'm a thing that should live in the woods, not pretend to...”
“Tom, please,” Andy said sounding close to tears himself as he pulled Tom against him. “I'm scared of losing you, not of you. Before I came here, back in Cardiff I saw some stuff, weird, horrible stuff. Creatures...” Andy shook his head. “I know you, you're not a thing. Changing, you were in so much pain, and you still thought about me first. Made sure I was safe.”
Before Tom could answer, he felt his stomach cramp and heave, the soup apparently having changed its mind about staying put, and he pushed at Andy's arm. “Let me go.”
“No. I love you and I going to keep saying it and holding you until you know I mean it. You coming into my life is the best thing that's ever happened to me. I don't want to lose it, lose you.” He looked at Tom, tears in his eyes. “I can't. This place, it's nothing without you.”
“No...the loo....sick” Tom said, painfully aware it was too late.
“Oh. Oh no, sorry.” Andy let him go, although not quickly enough.
X0X0X0X
The next couple of days were a miserable blur as the flu seemed to have returned with a vengeance, taking advantage or his exhausted post transformation state. Much of Tom's time was spent lying in bed, sweating, shivering, coughing and aching while awake, although even that, he decided, was preferable to the nightmares that came all to often when he finally slept.
Real memories like finding his dad dead, blood spreading out over the floorboards or being locked in a cage with George and Nina for the dog fight, vampires cheering for their deaths all around them, were mixed with things like Hal going bad and ripping people's throats out in the cafe out or vampires getting to Andy, either killing him or turning him. The worse though was the one where he'd not got to the cellar in time and had attacked Andy.
It had been vivid and horrible, the memories of just how warm fresh blood felt on his tongue and how loud and sharp bones were when snapped in a wolf's jaws had been dredged from somewhere deep in his subconscious and given terrifying form. Thankfully he'd only had that particular nightmare once, Tom suspected it however that it would haunt him for a very long time to come.
Through out it all though, Andy had been there for him. Every time he'd woken up groggy and disorientated Andy had been there or had appeared a moment or two later. Water, juice or more of the flu remedy that seemed to knock him out were supplied as needed, as were food when he could finally manage it down and plenty of tissues.
As reassuring as it was to know that Andy had apparently really meant all the things he'd said about loving him and wanting him in his life, it was actually a little wearing after a while, as Andy still seemed afraid he would leave if he left him alone for too long. It would get better in time, just like himself, Tom was sure of that. He knew how much Andy worried about things sometimes, and right now he was sure was he was the biggest source of concern. When it came down to it it was all his fault that Andy scared.
Most of the bad things had happened because he was there, and that made it his fault, Tom thought as he stared up at the cracks in the ceiling, trying and failing to distract himself. Maybe his parents wouldn't have taken the holiday where and when they did so they wouldn't have got killed if he'd not been born. If it hadn't been for him insisting on going back to the hotel McNair would still be alive. George and Nina wouldn't have come into contact with the vampires organising the dog fights and the whole sorry chain of events that followed probably wouldn't have happened.
He rolled over and stared out of the window at the snow covered moorland beyond the house. It didn't help. He'd brought his bad luck even here. He'd made Andy fall through a roof when they'd first met and then later had upset him so much he'd got careless and hurt himself while they'd worked on the old cow shed, and if that hadn't been enough he'd ruined Andy's relationship with his family and then he dropped all this werewolf stuff on him as well.
Tom turned back to look at the ceiling, knowing he was going to get himself into a right state if he keep thinking. No, he told himself after a moment, what needed to do was up and give Andy the truth. He'd lied to him, now he owed him the truth and if that meant losing him that's what would happen. It'd be for the best, Andy would be better off without him, Tom told himself getting out of bed. It was no more than he deserved.
“Are you sure you should be up?” Andy said, watching him walk slowly round to the kitchen table. “You still don't look that great.”
“I'm gonna go nuts if I lie in bed much longer,” Tom replied, glad to sit down as he felt tired again already. “Any way, I need to tell you about stuff.”
Looking like it was the last thing he really wanted to do, Andy said, “Shall I make us a cup of tea first?”
“Alright, 'cause this might take a while.”
Andy seemed to take far longer than was necessary to make the tea, and by the time they were sat facing each other across the kitchen table, Tom was convinced that Andy wasn't going to listen to him.
Starting with being a kid was easy. Talking moving around from town to town, about hunting for rabbits and taking things from the supermarkets when they needed to. Describing how he used to have to change in the van because his dad wanted to keep him safe. They were good memories, it might have been an odd childhood compare to everybody else's, but he'd never had any doubt how much his dad cared about him. Those times had ended though, and the memories that went with how it had happened and the guilt that it was his fault, cut too deep, and Tom's intention to remain composed while telling Andy faltered.
“Then just when it all seemed to be goin' alright for us, me dad got hurt. His leg got cut up really bad, while we were trying to get some scrap out of this factory. We were near to the old hotel where George and Nina lived, so I made him go there. He didn't really want to go, but it were that or a hospital, and he hated hospitals even more.” Tom stopped and closed his eyes. He could see his dad, telling him that he should just get him to the van and bandage it up, otherwise Tom could have a stitching it, provided he made sure the needle were clean first. “I told him it'd be okay, I promised him it'd be safe and it weren't. So it were my fault really. If I hadn't made him go, maybe he'd not have bin killed. And maybe...”
“Tom, don't.” Andy took hold of his hand. “You don't have to do this, not yet. If its too much, if it's something that doesn't matter, I mean I know it matters to you, but if it doesn't change who you are, I'm not going to ask.”
“I have to. You should know what I am. I shoulda done this months ago. You should know what I'm like, what I've done. I mess everythin' up.” Tom hung his head, tears falling into his tea. “You know I didn't even get to stake it, the vampire that did for me dad. It should've bin me what did it. Feels like I let him down.”
“Would he really have wanted you to be a killer?” Andy asked, taking hold of his hand.
“It's what we did,” Tom said, looking up. “We killed vampires, 'cause of what they did, to him, to us, to anyone really. He wanted me to give it up in the end, wanted a better life for me, so he didn't want me trying to get revenge. But it didn't feel right not trying, 'cause I know if a vamp had done for me he'd taken them down.” Tom sniffed again. “He'd have kept on fightin' and fightin' even if it meant he'd have died trying. He were stupid brave like that. He were the best, my dad.”
“You killed vampires?” Andy said staring at him. “Actual real 'I'll drink your blood' vampires? With stakes and garlic and bats and coffins and things”
“Yeah, well not with bats. Hit one with a cricket bat once, it just annoyed it. But I had to do something as it were about to stab...” he stopped. “You meant the flappy, flying ones didn't you?”
Andy nodded, seemingly undecided whether he was appalled or amused. “Do you still...well you know... hunt them?”
“No, not since I left the hotel. Told myself, I should do what me dad wanted. To try and be human.” And what a mess he'd made of that, Tom thought bitterly. He
“I'm okay,” Tom said, all too aware that he really wasn't convincing anyone. He really wasn't up to do it yet, but it was now or never, he was sure of it if he wanted to keep Andy. “I've gotta do this.”
Words tumbled out, tea growing cold and forgotten while his voice grew hoarse, until finally it was done. Crossing his arms on the tabletop, Tom rested his head on them. He felt hollow, like everything had been scooped out of him and even the slightest gust of wind might knock him down.
“So werewolves, ghosts and vampires are all real,” Andy said, sounding more like he was talking to himself than to Tom. “I always wondered about ghosts you know. When I was on a school trip as a kid I was convinced I'd seen one at a stately home we were being taken round. Got the piss taken out of me for weeks after that.”
Tom frowned, not least because he didn't like the idea of anybody making Andy feel bad even if it was a long time ago, but he didn't want to lie to him again. “I don't think normal people can see ghosts.”
Andy looked baffled for a moment then said, “Thanks, I think. I guess normal is over rated.”
“No,” Tom said, realising Andy had misunderstood. “I mean you are normal so you probably didn't see one, although Annie reckoned little kids could see ghosts because Eve could see her, but that might've bin because Eve were special, what with havin' her mum and dad being werewolves.”
“What about psychics then?”
“Hal reckoned as they were all frauds. We saw one on the telly once, telling people stuff, like somebody in the room's mum's name had stated with an S or somebody had a pet cat. Then somebody'd stand up and say he were right.” Tom shook his head. “It weren't right. He was takin' people's money and just pretending to know stuff. It were like what Larry did to me. It were cruel, givin' hope when it's all just a great big lie.”
“Larry?” Andy asked, hand reaching out once more to cover Tom's, fingers curling through. “Who is Larry?”
“Oh he were a TV weather man who were staying' at the hotel were I was working for a while. He were a werewolf too. He told me you could be a werewolf and still have a normal life and be a success.” Tom looked at Andy's hand on his, grateful for the support it offered. He'd not really wanted to get in the Larry stuff, it wasn't something that Andy needed to know about to understand werewolves and stuff. But now that he'd asked Tom didn't feel like he as able to refuse telling him. “Well he got me to do a load of stuff for him and give him all the money I'd bin saving up for a headstone for me dad, but he were a fraud. He'd lost everything being a werewolf, job, house, family, the lot.” He bit his lip. It hurt more to talk about it than he thought it would. But there was no going back now, he told himself, and after a moment he continued. “He said it were having the wolf in you that did it, it made you stupid, made you mess everythin' up and you'd never be anything.”
“You don't have to tell me all this,” Andy said, sounding scared at what else he might hear. “It's obvious Larry was an idiot or nasty, or a nasty idiot. I've worked with a few people like that.”
“There not much more to tell. And he were right in a way, the wolf gets into everything, you can't hide it forever. So I packed it all in. The job, the lot. I just walked out. I needed time to be me, to find out what I wanted out of life. So I just packed up what I had and started walkin'” Energy seriously starting to flag, Tom gave Andy a weary smile. “I'd only bin walking around for a few weeks when I found you, and well you know the rest. You and this place, it's like home, well the home I always wanted I guess. So that's me then. You know it all now, well the important stuff. I mean there's loads of other stuff, stupid stuff like me an' me dad sneaking into cinemas, why you shouldn't give Hal that Keora orange squash stuff, and how Annie'd make all these cups of tea, but you probably don't care about that.”
“All those things...” Andy said sadly. Letting go of Tom's hand he got up and walked round the table to stand behind him. “I'm not going to pretend it doesn't hurt you couldn't trust me enough to tell me this stuff before, that the idea of you not being human doesn't on some level freak me out and make me wonder if I have gone mad or that knowing you lied to me for months about where went at night doesn't annoy me and make me worry that you're still lying about things.”
Tom's heart sank. He was expecting too much from Andy. “I'm sorry.”
“So am I,” Andy said, as he put his arms around Tom. “Nobody should ever have to live like you did, spending their whole life, even as a kid, scared of being found and killed. So I'm not angry with you, I can't be angry with you for being afraid, and I don't want to make you feel crap about all this because I know you already do, because that's who you are.”
Tom turned as much as he could in his seat to look at Andy. He was about to tell Andy that it was okay for him to be angry, that he expected, when Andy shook his head and said, “Don't, just let me speak for a minute.”
Scared, but hopeful about what he was going to hear, Tom nodded and relaxed back against him. He could hear his heart beating. A little faster than normal, he could tell Andy was tense, but it seemed more about nervousness about what he was going to say than fear of what Tom was.
“I don't talk much about the things I saw back in Cardiff,” Andy began, sounding uncertain of himself. “Honestly some of it would make even werewolves look normal. But even without going into all that weird stuff, just as an ordinary police officer, every week I saw people who'd had every chance in life throw it all away to become bullies, drug dealers or murderers. You've had to fight every day just to survive and you put every one of them to shame. You're the nicest, kindest, most honest, well apart from the werewolf thing, person I think I've ever known.” Leaning over, he kissed Tom slowly, fingers stroking the side of his jaw. Finally, pulling back he said, “I meant what I said before about still loving you and I don't know what else I can say to get you to believe that.”
“Nothing else,” Tom said, feeling weak with relief. “I believe you. I don't deserve you, but I believe you.”
“You do, but I'm not going to argue,” Andy said, looking fondly at him.“So I'm just going to ask you if you're feeling up to having some lunch or do you want to go back to bed for a while?”
“Lunch would be good,” Tom replied, glad that since the previous day his stomach had finally settled.
Sitting at the table, the radio playing something that was probably popular at the moment and with the bright, winter sunlight streaming in through the windows, he watched Andy start to make their lunch, and smiled. This was the normal life that he'd always so desperately wanted, and here with the truth about him finally out in the open and acceptance and love from Andy he had it.
Part 29 http://the-silver-sun.livejournal.com/228958.html
Fandoms Torchwood/Being Human crossover fic.
Characters/pairings Andy Davidson/Tom McNair. Other Torchwood and Being Human characters will appear later on.
Word count: This part 3700 (Total posted 74,500 /90,000)
Rating This part pg (adult over all) – see contains below.
Contains Mentions of depression/anxiety. Mentions of past canon major character death. Mention of minor character death – not canon. In later parts canon level violence, graphic sex, Andy's homophobic mother. Spoilers for Being Human (UK version) up to series 5 episode 3, and for Torchwood up to Children of Earth.
A/N: Crossover with Being Human. Technically a CoE fix it as it's set in the same 'verse as Finding Ways To Smile Again (although that isn't apparent until about 2/3 the way through the story). Follows on from Break and Breakaway from Tom McNair's POV – which is where it breaks from Being Human canon.
Summary
After being pushed out of the police force following the events of Children of Earth, Andy Davidson tries to build a new life for himself in the deep in the Welsh countryside.
Tom McNair walked out off his old life after realising it wasn't what he needed.
A chance meeting would take their lives in directions that they had never expected and bring them love that they'd not thought they'd find.
Starts here: http://the-silver-sun.livejournal.com/214504.html
How Andy could still bear to be around him Tom had no idea. Lying, hiding the fact that he wasn't proper human and nearly transforming in front of him all felt pretty unforgivable, yet apparently Andy still loved him enough to hold him close and kiss him.
The kisses were alright, even if they were to the scars on his head, but being held was better, Tom thought as he stood shivering in the bath. Being held meant not falling over, which was a distinct possibility as his legs felt like jelly and his head was aching so badly that it made him feel lightheaded.
“Come on, lets get you dry,” Andy said, loosening his grip so that he could grab a towel. “Then I suppose we should talk, if you feel up to it.”
“No, don't let go. Feel weird,” Tom said, holding on tightly to Andy's jumper, his legs feeling like they might give way at any moment. “Really dizzy.”
“Does this happen every time?” Andy asked, keeping an arm about him as he helped Tom step out of the tin bath and walk unsteadily to the sofa.
“No,” Tom said as he fell more than sat down. “Not before. Not been ill.”
“You've never been ill before?” Andy said, sounding even more worried than before, if that were possible.
“No. I mean yes, I've bin ill. Not when I've changed.” Tom closed his eyes. It really wasn't fair that the room still seemed to be spinning when he was sitting down. Maybe if he leant forward a bit it would help, wasn't doing that that supposed to be good if you felt sick or faint?
“Whoa.”
Tom felt Andy grab his shoulder and pull him back. Opening his eyes, Tom asked, “What's wrong?”
“You nearly went face first off the sofa, that's what.” Sitting down next to him, Andy put an arm around him so he could lean forward without falling. “Should I be thinking about digging the landrover out and taking you to the nearest A and E or is this something werewolf-y that can't help with?”
“No, no doctors. I'll be alright. I think I need to eat.” Tom said. Normally he'd have eaten while he was the wolf, either a few rabbits or a large part of a sheep, as it was he'd not had anything since mid morning the day before when he'd just about managed to keep down a couple of slices of toast. Changing took a lot of energy, it was why after being the wolf you woke up, rather than had to suffer through changing back. “Yeah, not eating, that probably it.”
Andy looked round at the range in the corner of the room, apparently wondering if Tom would be alright if he left him long enough to make something. “Would soup do? I could do you some soup. But you should lie down. I don't think you can fall over if you're lying down.”
In the end, Andy heated up some chicken soup and got him a couple of slices of toast, and then sat with him while he ate it. The toast made his throat hurt and the soup made him feel rather queasy, but it seemed like it was going to stay in rather than out, so it was probably a win over all Tom decided.
“You should probably sleep,” Andy said, putting the mug and plate on the table now that Tom was done with it.
“What about you?” Tom asked, fairly certain that Andy wouldn't have slept yet either. Having a werewolf in the house wasn't really going to help you get a good nights sleep, was it? He'd put him through too much today already, the least he could do was let him get some rest. “You can have the bed. I'll stay here.”
“Is...is that what you want? For me to leave you alone?” Andy asked, sounding worried, eyes straying for a moment towards the front door, despite the fact that the snow storm could still be heard blowing outside. “Just promise me you won't try to leave if I do?”
“No. I don't want that, but what I did...lying an' that, not telling you before we did things together, it weren't right. 'cause there's no way you'd have wanted me of you'd known.” Tom closed his eyes again, mind whirling. He felt sick and weak, and beyond disgusted with himself. “I shouldn't have done it. It ain't right, I ain't right. You should be angry with me and want me to go, and never come back an'...You shouldn't want to be with a thing like me. You're too good for me, I don't deserve you. I'm a thing that should live in the woods, not pretend to...”
“Tom, please,” Andy said sounding close to tears himself as he pulled Tom against him. “I'm scared of losing you, not of you. Before I came here, back in Cardiff I saw some stuff, weird, horrible stuff. Creatures...” Andy shook his head. “I know you, you're not a thing. Changing, you were in so much pain, and you still thought about me first. Made sure I was safe.”
Before Tom could answer, he felt his stomach cramp and heave, the soup apparently having changed its mind about staying put, and he pushed at Andy's arm. “Let me go.”
“No. I love you and I going to keep saying it and holding you until you know I mean it. You coming into my life is the best thing that's ever happened to me. I don't want to lose it, lose you.” He looked at Tom, tears in his eyes. “I can't. This place, it's nothing without you.”
“No...the loo....sick” Tom said, painfully aware it was too late.
“Oh. Oh no, sorry.” Andy let him go, although not quickly enough.
X0X0X0X
The next couple of days were a miserable blur as the flu seemed to have returned with a vengeance, taking advantage or his exhausted post transformation state. Much of Tom's time was spent lying in bed, sweating, shivering, coughing and aching while awake, although even that, he decided, was preferable to the nightmares that came all to often when he finally slept.
Real memories like finding his dad dead, blood spreading out over the floorboards or being locked in a cage with George and Nina for the dog fight, vampires cheering for their deaths all around them, were mixed with things like Hal going bad and ripping people's throats out in the cafe out or vampires getting to Andy, either killing him or turning him. The worse though was the one where he'd not got to the cellar in time and had attacked Andy.
It had been vivid and horrible, the memories of just how warm fresh blood felt on his tongue and how loud and sharp bones were when snapped in a wolf's jaws had been dredged from somewhere deep in his subconscious and given terrifying form. Thankfully he'd only had that particular nightmare once, Tom suspected it however that it would haunt him for a very long time to come.
Through out it all though, Andy had been there for him. Every time he'd woken up groggy and disorientated Andy had been there or had appeared a moment or two later. Water, juice or more of the flu remedy that seemed to knock him out were supplied as needed, as were food when he could finally manage it down and plenty of tissues.
As reassuring as it was to know that Andy had apparently really meant all the things he'd said about loving him and wanting him in his life, it was actually a little wearing after a while, as Andy still seemed afraid he would leave if he left him alone for too long. It would get better in time, just like himself, Tom was sure of that. He knew how much Andy worried about things sometimes, and right now he was sure was he was the biggest source of concern. When it came down to it it was all his fault that Andy scared.
Most of the bad things had happened because he was there, and that made it his fault, Tom thought as he stared up at the cracks in the ceiling, trying and failing to distract himself. Maybe his parents wouldn't have taken the holiday where and when they did so they wouldn't have got killed if he'd not been born. If it hadn't been for him insisting on going back to the hotel McNair would still be alive. George and Nina wouldn't have come into contact with the vampires organising the dog fights and the whole sorry chain of events that followed probably wouldn't have happened.
He rolled over and stared out of the window at the snow covered moorland beyond the house. It didn't help. He'd brought his bad luck even here. He'd made Andy fall through a roof when they'd first met and then later had upset him so much he'd got careless and hurt himself while they'd worked on the old cow shed, and if that hadn't been enough he'd ruined Andy's relationship with his family and then he dropped all this werewolf stuff on him as well.
Tom turned back to look at the ceiling, knowing he was going to get himself into a right state if he keep thinking. No, he told himself after a moment, what needed to do was up and give Andy the truth. He'd lied to him, now he owed him the truth and if that meant losing him that's what would happen. It'd be for the best, Andy would be better off without him, Tom told himself getting out of bed. It was no more than he deserved.
“Are you sure you should be up?” Andy said, watching him walk slowly round to the kitchen table. “You still don't look that great.”
“I'm gonna go nuts if I lie in bed much longer,” Tom replied, glad to sit down as he felt tired again already. “Any way, I need to tell you about stuff.”
Looking like it was the last thing he really wanted to do, Andy said, “Shall I make us a cup of tea first?”
“Alright, 'cause this might take a while.”
Andy seemed to take far longer than was necessary to make the tea, and by the time they were sat facing each other across the kitchen table, Tom was convinced that Andy wasn't going to listen to him.
Starting with being a kid was easy. Talking moving around from town to town, about hunting for rabbits and taking things from the supermarkets when they needed to. Describing how he used to have to change in the van because his dad wanted to keep him safe. They were good memories, it might have been an odd childhood compare to everybody else's, but he'd never had any doubt how much his dad cared about him. Those times had ended though, and the memories that went with how it had happened and the guilt that it was his fault, cut too deep, and Tom's intention to remain composed while telling Andy faltered.
“Then just when it all seemed to be goin' alright for us, me dad got hurt. His leg got cut up really bad, while we were trying to get some scrap out of this factory. We were near to the old hotel where George and Nina lived, so I made him go there. He didn't really want to go, but it were that or a hospital, and he hated hospitals even more.” Tom stopped and closed his eyes. He could see his dad, telling him that he should just get him to the van and bandage it up, otherwise Tom could have a stitching it, provided he made sure the needle were clean first. “I told him it'd be okay, I promised him it'd be safe and it weren't. So it were my fault really. If I hadn't made him go, maybe he'd not have bin killed. And maybe...”
“Tom, don't.” Andy took hold of his hand. “You don't have to do this, not yet. If its too much, if it's something that doesn't matter, I mean I know it matters to you, but if it doesn't change who you are, I'm not going to ask.”
“I have to. You should know what I am. I shoulda done this months ago. You should know what I'm like, what I've done. I mess everythin' up.” Tom hung his head, tears falling into his tea. “You know I didn't even get to stake it, the vampire that did for me dad. It should've bin me what did it. Feels like I let him down.”
“Would he really have wanted you to be a killer?” Andy asked, taking hold of his hand.
“It's what we did,” Tom said, looking up. “We killed vampires, 'cause of what they did, to him, to us, to anyone really. He wanted me to give it up in the end, wanted a better life for me, so he didn't want me trying to get revenge. But it didn't feel right not trying, 'cause I know if a vamp had done for me he'd taken them down.” Tom sniffed again. “He'd have kept on fightin' and fightin' even if it meant he'd have died trying. He were stupid brave like that. He were the best, my dad.”
“You killed vampires?” Andy said staring at him. “Actual real 'I'll drink your blood' vampires? With stakes and garlic and bats and coffins and things”
“Yeah, well not with bats. Hit one with a cricket bat once, it just annoyed it. But I had to do something as it were about to stab...” he stopped. “You meant the flappy, flying ones didn't you?”
Andy nodded, seemingly undecided whether he was appalled or amused. “Do you still...well you know... hunt them?”
“No, not since I left the hotel. Told myself, I should do what me dad wanted. To try and be human.” And what a mess he'd made of that, Tom thought bitterly. He
“I'm okay,” Tom said, all too aware that he really wasn't convincing anyone. He really wasn't up to do it yet, but it was now or never, he was sure of it if he wanted to keep Andy. “I've gotta do this.”
Words tumbled out, tea growing cold and forgotten while his voice grew hoarse, until finally it was done. Crossing his arms on the tabletop, Tom rested his head on them. He felt hollow, like everything had been scooped out of him and even the slightest gust of wind might knock him down.
“So werewolves, ghosts and vampires are all real,” Andy said, sounding more like he was talking to himself than to Tom. “I always wondered about ghosts you know. When I was on a school trip as a kid I was convinced I'd seen one at a stately home we were being taken round. Got the piss taken out of me for weeks after that.”
Tom frowned, not least because he didn't like the idea of anybody making Andy feel bad even if it was a long time ago, but he didn't want to lie to him again. “I don't think normal people can see ghosts.”
Andy looked baffled for a moment then said, “Thanks, I think. I guess normal is over rated.”
“No,” Tom said, realising Andy had misunderstood. “I mean you are normal so you probably didn't see one, although Annie reckoned little kids could see ghosts because Eve could see her, but that might've bin because Eve were special, what with havin' her mum and dad being werewolves.”
“What about psychics then?”
“Hal reckoned as they were all frauds. We saw one on the telly once, telling people stuff, like somebody in the room's mum's name had stated with an S or somebody had a pet cat. Then somebody'd stand up and say he were right.” Tom shook his head. “It weren't right. He was takin' people's money and just pretending to know stuff. It were like what Larry did to me. It were cruel, givin' hope when it's all just a great big lie.”
“Larry?” Andy asked, hand reaching out once more to cover Tom's, fingers curling through. “Who is Larry?”
“Oh he were a TV weather man who were staying' at the hotel were I was working for a while. He were a werewolf too. He told me you could be a werewolf and still have a normal life and be a success.” Tom looked at Andy's hand on his, grateful for the support it offered. He'd not really wanted to get in the Larry stuff, it wasn't something that Andy needed to know about to understand werewolves and stuff. But now that he'd asked Tom didn't feel like he as able to refuse telling him. “Well he got me to do a load of stuff for him and give him all the money I'd bin saving up for a headstone for me dad, but he were a fraud. He'd lost everything being a werewolf, job, house, family, the lot.” He bit his lip. It hurt more to talk about it than he thought it would. But there was no going back now, he told himself, and after a moment he continued. “He said it were having the wolf in you that did it, it made you stupid, made you mess everythin' up and you'd never be anything.”
“You don't have to tell me all this,” Andy said, sounding scared at what else he might hear. “It's obvious Larry was an idiot or nasty, or a nasty idiot. I've worked with a few people like that.”
“There not much more to tell. And he were right in a way, the wolf gets into everything, you can't hide it forever. So I packed it all in. The job, the lot. I just walked out. I needed time to be me, to find out what I wanted out of life. So I just packed up what I had and started walkin'” Energy seriously starting to flag, Tom gave Andy a weary smile. “I'd only bin walking around for a few weeks when I found you, and well you know the rest. You and this place, it's like home, well the home I always wanted I guess. So that's me then. You know it all now, well the important stuff. I mean there's loads of other stuff, stupid stuff like me an' me dad sneaking into cinemas, why you shouldn't give Hal that Keora orange squash stuff, and how Annie'd make all these cups of tea, but you probably don't care about that.”
“All those things...” Andy said sadly. Letting go of Tom's hand he got up and walked round the table to stand behind him. “I'm not going to pretend it doesn't hurt you couldn't trust me enough to tell me this stuff before, that the idea of you not being human doesn't on some level freak me out and make me wonder if I have gone mad or that knowing you lied to me for months about where went at night doesn't annoy me and make me worry that you're still lying about things.”
Tom's heart sank. He was expecting too much from Andy. “I'm sorry.”
“So am I,” Andy said, as he put his arms around Tom. “Nobody should ever have to live like you did, spending their whole life, even as a kid, scared of being found and killed. So I'm not angry with you, I can't be angry with you for being afraid, and I don't want to make you feel crap about all this because I know you already do, because that's who you are.”
Tom turned as much as he could in his seat to look at Andy. He was about to tell Andy that it was okay for him to be angry, that he expected, when Andy shook his head and said, “Don't, just let me speak for a minute.”
Scared, but hopeful about what he was going to hear, Tom nodded and relaxed back against him. He could hear his heart beating. A little faster than normal, he could tell Andy was tense, but it seemed more about nervousness about what he was going to say than fear of what Tom was.
“I don't talk much about the things I saw back in Cardiff,” Andy began, sounding uncertain of himself. “Honestly some of it would make even werewolves look normal. But even without going into all that weird stuff, just as an ordinary police officer, every week I saw people who'd had every chance in life throw it all away to become bullies, drug dealers or murderers. You've had to fight every day just to survive and you put every one of them to shame. You're the nicest, kindest, most honest, well apart from the werewolf thing, person I think I've ever known.” Leaning over, he kissed Tom slowly, fingers stroking the side of his jaw. Finally, pulling back he said, “I meant what I said before about still loving you and I don't know what else I can say to get you to believe that.”
“Nothing else,” Tom said, feeling weak with relief. “I believe you. I don't deserve you, but I believe you.”
“You do, but I'm not going to argue,” Andy said, looking fondly at him.“So I'm just going to ask you if you're feeling up to having some lunch or do you want to go back to bed for a while?”
“Lunch would be good,” Tom replied, glad that since the previous day his stomach had finally settled.
Sitting at the table, the radio playing something that was probably popular at the moment and with the bright, winter sunlight streaming in through the windows, he watched Andy start to make their lunch, and smiled. This was the normal life that he'd always so desperately wanted, and here with the truth about him finally out in the open and acceptance and love from Andy he had it.
Part 29 http://the-silver-sun.livejournal.com/228958.html
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Date: 2014-02-24 08:08 pm (UTC)