Lives are for living (38/40)
Jan. 6th, 2015 04:43 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
silver_sunTitle: Lives are for Living (38/40)
Fandoms: Being Human/Torchwood
Characters/Pairings: Tom McNair/Andy Davidson.
Word Count: 123,600 posted out of about 135,000.
Why hadn't he believed him? Why had he run off? Even if Andy didn't change tomorrow night, could things really go back to how they were between them? How could Andy ever rely on him again for anything after what he'd done? Tom closed his eyes and leant his head against the cold glass of his old bedroom window. He wanted to blame the wolf for it, but it felt overwhelmingly like this was entirely his own fault.
Behind him Andy was asleep, the covers pulled around him so that all Tom could see was the top of his head. The shower had helped a little in the sense that they'd both been warm when they got under the duvet a couple of hours earlier, but that had been about the only improvement. Andy had barely spoken to him, and while he wanted to thing that it was tiredness and worry about what the full moon would bright, he doubted that things would easily be resolved by a nights sleep and Andy remaining human.
Which was why at three am he was standing staring out a cold, wet night, unable to sleep. He had to make up for it somehow, he do whatever he could to make sure that Andy would be okay, whether he changed or not. What he didn't have was any idea where to start.
He sighed. He'd not been able to sleep at all, worry and all the wild energy that seemed to build up in the day or two before the full moon keeping wide awake. He turned to look at Andy, and rubbed a hand across his eyes.
He had to talk to somebody, otherwise he'd end up sitting there worrying about things until he wanted to run off and hide again or until his head was in the same state as Andy's. And then he'd be no use to either of them.
If he'd had Martha's or Gwen's numbers he'd have called them, but the numbers were written down back at Cwm Elan Farm. Which only left Hal or Alex to talk to. He'd known Hal longer than Alex and being a bloke, even if he was a vampire he would probably understand how he was thinking better than Alex. There was also the fact Hal was older than everybody else he knew even if you added all their ages together, which hopefully meant he might have an idea about what would help.
Slipping out of his room, Tom made his way along the corridor to Hal's room. He paused outside, hoping that Hal wasn't asleep. There was light coming from under the door,
"Hal? You awake in there?" Tom called through the keyhole. "There's some stuff I need to ask yer."
"Yes. You can come in, I was only reading," Hal replied. "Alex found me a list of the hundred books that everybody should read. I'm not convinced, everybody should read them all.
Tom opened the door to see Hal putting a bookmark in a copy of Lord of the Rings. Hal turned and then stared at him. Tom's heart sank, certain he was going to be told how foolish running off had been. "I know, I'm an idiot," Tom said miserably. "There ain't anything you can say Hal that'll make me feel any crapper about this than I already do."
"I have no wish to upset you further," Hal said sitting down on the end of the bed. "You have obviously suffered and those," his eyes stayed to the claw marks still clear on Tom's side, "do bear out what your young man said about fighting for you."
"That's the problem though, ain't, it." Tom said sitting down next to him. "He got hurt 'cause of me. And I didn't even realise how upset he were about it. I don't reckon he'd killed anything before. And he weren't taking it well, but I were too thick to notice, I thought he were just a bit down. And now I've gone and made it loads worse by running off and not believing him." He leant forwards head in hands. "I dunno what to do."
"I wish could give you an answer, but I am no wiser than you, perhaps even less so as I have had a few centuries to gain wisdom and appear to have failed for the most part." Hal sighed. "Although I cannot tell you with complete certainty that Andy will not change tomorrow, I do not believe it to be likely. All the advice I can give it to allow yourselves time. It is, as they say, a great healer."
Tom didn't hold out any great hope of time solving their problems, but perhaps it might take the edge off it and let Andy see that things could be alright again. What if Andy needed more help than he could give him? What if he screwed it all up by doing something daft like running off? Or what if something happened to him while he was out on a full moon, what if Andy thought he'd run away, but really he'd got hurt and wasn't able to get home?
"Tom," Hal said, when he hadn't replied, "Please do not see any of what has happened as a failure on your part. I do not see how you could have possibly done more than you have."
There wasn't any time to tell Hal he could think of about a dozen ways he could have done better, as Andy's voice came from down the hall. "Tom? Tom where are you?"
"I'd better go," Tom said, getting up. "I'll think about what yer said. I ain't sure yer right, but I'll still think about it." Then opening the door called back, "I'm coming. Be there in a minute."
"Where were you?" Andy asked, sounding afraid, as Tom let himself back into their room.
"I just went to talk to Hal about staying for a couple more days, just while we get things sorted," Tom said, sitting down next to him. "He said we could. Hal's a top bloke."
"But I want to go home," Andy said, looking warily round the room. "Back to the farm. Back to it just being us. I'll be okay then. Well not okay, but I can't stay here."
"Just for tonight, just until we know," Tom said. "I don't think you wanna be driving just yet anyway, and I've not driven the land rover that far before." He was fairly certain he could if he had to, but there was nowhere for them to both safely change at the farm, and if Andy stayed human he'd be on his own all night. No, staying put for a few more hours was better, he told himself.
Andy frowned like he didn't quite understand and then curled back under the covers.
It wasn't the reaction that Tom had been hoping for and he lay down next to him. "I dunno what's goin' on in that head of yours, but I wanna help and I can't unless you tell me what's wrong?"
"If it was that simple, don't you think I'd do it?" Andy said, not looking at him.
"I didn't say it were simple, an' I don't think it is, not if it's doing this to yer." Tom put an arm across him, hoping he would move closer. "I know yer wanna go home and we will, whatever happens I'm gonna stay with yer."
Andy made a noise too close to a sob for comfort and Tom curled against him. "I know I ain't helped you as much as I should an' I've probably made things a lot worser than they coulda bin, but I promise I'll help yer get happier again. I promise, but I think it's more than I can do." He swallowed down his own fear as best he could. "I know yer don't like talkin' about what happened between leaving the police and getting to Cwm Elan, but I know you said that you were feeling pretty bad about everything. So I just wondered if there were something that they gave yer or said to yer or did, that maybe yer need now? 'Cause whatever it is I'll make sure you get it."
"They'll take me away or you," Andy said, grabbing hold of his hand. "You said it, werewolves have to hide, to be safe. I can't let them do it."
"Martha knows what I am," Tom said, "And she still reckoned there was somebody I could talk to. Maybe they have special people who know all this weird stuff. I mean she is doctor, she'd know who we could talk to about stuff like this. And she did a really good job on your arm. It'd be okay."
Andy shook his head and said, "I don't know. I can't think. I'm tired. I'm too tired."
He wasn't going to win this one tonight, Tom decided, maybe if Andy did get a bit more sleep they could talk about it again in the morning. He wasn't going to stop asking, he was certain that doing so would be the worst thing he could do. He'd seen what had happened to George after Nina had been killed, and while it wasn't the same thing, he knew a person's mind could do things to them just as terrible as vampires could.
"Alright," Tom said, and gave him a kiss. "It's bin a long day. You're right, I should get some rest and all."
***
Morning came too soon, and while Andy did get up and have breakfast with him downstairs, Andy had left most of his untouched and had soon afterwards retreated back to bed. Arguing with him about it didn't seem like it would gain anything apart from hurt feelings for them both and probably make things about ten times worse than they already were.
Hal had gone to work, telling him that he'd be back before moonrise and he'd do what he could to help. Tom wasn't sure what that would actually be, but he thanked him anyway. With Hal gone and Andy apparently asleep, he had tried to watch TV, but nothing caught his attention or distracted him from what might happen in a few short hours time.
There was quiet pop and Alex appeared on the sofa next to him. "I know you probably don't want to talk about stuff, I know what men are like," she said, "I grew up with brothers remember. I don't know if I'll be any help either, but...." she stopped. "I should just say it, shouldn't I? Are you okay?"
Tom thought for a moment and decided that lying probably wouldn't help, plus lying wasn't a nice thing to do in the first place. Especially not to ladies, his dad had been clear on that. Although mostly, Tom had come to realise, McNair had meant lying to him was wrong, as they'd had to lie loads to other people just to survive.
"Tom?" Alex said, sounding worried now. "Hey, it'll be okay. Whatever happens, right? There are lots of worse things than ending up like you."
"I don't know," Tom replied. Not looking at her he picked at the frayed edge of one of the cushions on the sofa. "I dunno what to do. I talked to Hal last night and he said just give it time, but what if waiting makes it all worse? what if it gets so bad I can't fix it?""
"You're talking about Andy, aren't you?" she said. "And it's not the will he or won't he be a werewolf tonight thing that's eating you, is it?"
"He's not well, he gets all sad and scared, even when stuff ain't that bad." Tom closed his eyes. It didn't feel right talking about him like this, but if it helped Andy get better, he decided that it was going to have to matter how he felt to him. "I'd not realised how bad it'd got, but now I have and I think I want him to talk to a doctor or something, because I dunno what else to do. But I can't do anythin' until I know if he's gonna change or not. And he's scared of talking to anybody about it, and he might be right about that, and even when I 'm trying to help I might still be making it all worse."
"Oh Tom." Alex put an arm around him. "Whatever happens you've always got us. I'd say you can call me anytime, but the whole no presence on electronic stuff...well it's crap for keeping in touch. I suppose I could be the first texting ghost. Or emails. Even Hal's getting into the 20th century with technology. You should see how focused he gets playing Tetris."
"What's that?" Tom said, "Is it something for cleaning or ?"
"It's a computer game were you fit all these tiny blocks together to make straight lines."
It didn't sound all that fun, but if it kept Hal distracted or had become part of his routine then it had to be a good thing.
"I know you probably don't want to think about it," Alex said, "but if you and Andy are going to change tonight, where are you going to do it?"
"We dunno if he is gonna change," Tom said. Hal had seemed fairly sure that he wasn't and Andy didn't seem to be any different, but they still couldn't risk it happening somewhere insecure. "I can't be in with him in case he don't change, 'cause that'd be really bad."
Alex thought for a moment and then said, "What about Andy changes or not in the cellar and you go out to the woods?"
"But then he'd have to do it all by himself, and I don't want him to have to do it all by himself." The idea of Andy suffering through the transformation alone and scared was too much. Leaning forward, Tom covered his face with his hands.
"I wasn't going to suggest this before as well I didn't think you'd want to be locked up or anything, but you could use Hal's cage, if you wanted."
Tom looked up. "Why does Hal have a cage? He's not gone all grr-arg again has he?"
"Nope, so don't you go worrying about that," she said. "It was for another werewolf we had staying with us for a while. Rook dropped him off here hoping you'd look after him."
"Rook came back here?" Tom said, not sure if he was worried or annoyed that nobody had thought to mention it to him before. "And what happened to the other werewolf."
"Nothing bad. It was only a temporary thing. We didn't know it at the time, which is why Hal got the cage. Apparently Rook's department got shut down. He didn't want anything bad happening to Bobby, so he brought him here."
He'd not really known much about Rook, apart from the fact that he seemed pretty cold and heartless about pretty much everything. "I 'spose there has to be a bit of good in everyone somewhere."
"Any way," Alex continued. "It turns out that his department got a bit of a reprieve and got merged with something called UNIT. So he got his job back sort of, he's not in charge of anything now, any how he came to collect Bobby. It must be six months ago now."
"So he's okay? Rook didn't do owt weird to him?"
"Not apart from asking Hal to try and get Bobby a job at the hotel. Hal didn't as the only job Bobby might have had a chance of doing was kitchen porter and couldn't just sack the staff they'd got to give the guy a job." She got up off the sofa. "So do you want to come and have a look at the cage, just to make sure it'll be okay?"
Want, no, but Tom nodded as there wasn't anything to be gained from not doing it and a lot that could go wrong if it wasn't suitable and he left it to late to find it out.
The cellar was how Tom remembered it; cold whitewashed walls, a stone floor and nothing breakable. What was new what the metal barred cage that occupied about a third of it. Walking over to it, Tom felt a shiver of fear run through him. This soon after having been locked in by Audrey and her vampires and being made to fight getting shut in another cage was the last thing he wanted to do, but there really wasn't any alternative.
He could hardly shut Andy in the cage, as if Andy didn't change he'd have to stay locked in with him until the moon.
Tom inspected the door to the cage, where it was held closed with a large padlock which fastened together a length of heavy duty chain. There's be no way he'd be able to break out of there. He'd be safe in the cage and Andy would be safe in the room, and able to got back up the steps and back to the house if he didn't change. This was the best solution, he told himself, it was only for tonight.
"So what do you think?" Alex said. First appearing inside the cage and then vanishing, before appearing back next to him.
"It's pretty good, how did Hal know where to get one? Or don't I wanna know?"
"The internet. It was time he joined the 21st century," Alex replied. "The delivery and installation guy gave him a weird look when Hal said it was for when he had a friend staying.
"Did he think Hal were kidnapping people or something?" The last thing they needed was the police to raid the house or something.
Alex shook her head. "I think he decided Hal was into some seriously kinky sex and was making his own dungeon. That Hal answer the door topless and wearing rubber gloves, well I don't think the guy had installed anything so fast in is life."
"Why'd people want to be together like that in a cage?" Tom said surprised. "I meant it ain't gonna be very comfortable." He looked at the cage, really not getting it. "So do they lock both of themselves in or what? What'd they do if they lost the key?"
Alex laughed. "Some people like playing out stories, fantasies and the like. They want a bit of excitement in their lives."
"I get enough of stuff like that in real life and it ain't ever any fun." Tom frowned. Some days he thought he'd just never understand normal people. He turned away from the cage. "Well I'd better go and tell Andy about where'll be changing tonight."
Andy was asleep when he got to their room, so after deciding not to wake him, Tom went back down stairs and tried to distract himself by watching the TV again. Nothing was particularly interesting and after a couple of hours he'd almost decided to go up and check on Andy again when he heard footsteps on the stairs. Definitely Andy.
"Do you want a cup of tea? " Tom called out.
"Don't bother making one just for me," Andy said, still sounding exhausted as he came into the room.
"I ain't had one for ages either. We could both do with it." Tom got up from the sofa. "It'll only take me a minute."
Andy nodded in reply and then sat down, while Tom hurried into the kitchen and switched the kettle on.
"I were talking to Alex earlier, and I've sorted out where I can change tonight," Tom said, sitting back down next to him. "We can go down to the cellar and I'll use Hal's cage to change in and you can stay in the rest of the cellar and when you don't change you can just come back up here. Hal and Alex said they'd keep yer company, well if you want any. I mean you probably should, 'cause it'll be weird watching me change and I want you to be okay."
Tom put an arm around him when Andy didn't answer or question any of the details. "It's gonna be okay. It will, I promise. It's totally safe down there, nobody'll get hurt or anything. I mean it. We'll be okay."
Andy nodded faintly and then sighed. "I'm being useless, aren't it? You done all this and I've done nothing."
"No yer not." Tom took hold of his hand. "You've bin great. All this and me being an idiot about it, it'd be a bit much for anyone."
Andy didn't look convinced, but curled against him with his head on Tom shoulder. Wishing he knew what to do to help, Tom flicked through the TV channels until he found something that he knew that Andy usually watched. It wasn't a solution, but maybe it would help a little to take his mind off tonight.
Moonrise was early in the evening this month and as the shadows started to lengthen outside Tom could feel the first twinges of the change beginning to stir. There was no point taking Andy down to the cellar yet, he told himself as the familiar prickle of something like pins and needles started low in his back. It was cold and time would drag, leaving too much space for worry to creep in.
He moved on the sofa, trying to get comfortable. "How yer feeling?"
"I don't know?" Andy seemed to think again for a moment then added, "Cold, I think."
"Nothing else?" Tom asked wanting to take it a positive sign Andy wouldn't change.
"No. I don't know." Andy reached out and took hold of Tom's hand. "Should there be? I mean if...if it's going to happen?"
"I'd have thought so, but I dunno, I ain't been there when anybody changed for the first time." Tom looked down at their hands. If they could sort things out one day, hopefully sooner rather than later, there would be wedding rings there. He held on tightly. "I reckon it's a good sign. It'll be okay. Whatever happens it'll be okay."
Andy didn't look like he believed it, but replied, "If you say so."
Sleeping didn't seem to have helped, Tom decided, but it telling Andy that seemed like a bad plan. So instead he said, "There's a new program about fixing up old cars on now, shall I keep it on that or find a quiz or something?"
"Whatever you want," Andy said, curling against him and closing his eyes again.
Later, when moonrise little more than fifteen minutes away, Tom knew he couldn't distract himself with television or delay going down to the cellar any longer and he got up from the sofa. Pain seemed to crawl through every bone and nerve, but years of practice meant that for now at least he could hide it.
Was this how it had been for his dad? He'd always stayed as late as he could outside the van when he'd been a kid, never letting the pain show, being brave for him, giving him hope that as he got older he'd be able to control the pain too. It was his turn to be brave now, Tom told himself. He held out a hand to Andy. "Right, I think we'd better go downstairs now."
Andy's eyes were wide and fearful as he silently took his hand, and then followed him out the room and down to the cellar.
"Is that for me?" Andy asked warily once they were looking at the cage.
"Me," Tom replied leading him over to it. "I'm gonna change in there, so when you stay as yer are you'll be safe. Alex'll come down here once the moons up and let yer out. It's gonna be okay."
"Is it?" Andy said, shivering in the chill room. "It doesn't feel like." He looked at the cage again and blinked. "Why is there a cage?"
"It were just for when Hal and Alex had another werewolf staying," Tom replied. He paused as he pulled his t-shirt off, letting the material hide the pain he couldn't quite keep from his face. "You should probably get undressed an' all just in case you change. You don't wanna rip yer clothes up."
Andy looked around the bare, cold room and shivered again, before doing as Tom had suggested.
Picking up their clothes, Tom put them in the pile just outside the cellar door. Then, with a last look back up the steps to the house, he shut and then turned the key in the lock. He leant against the wall for a moment, teeth gritted, before making his way over to the cage and getting in.
The clang as it closed, the rattle of the chains being threaded through the bars and the clunk as the padlock closed and locked him in were more frightening than Tom had thought they would be. If it weren't for Andy's safety, Tom knew that he'd never allow himself to be caged like this. Never again he, told himself. After tonight never again.
Yet what if Andy did change? Tom wondered. Could he deal with seeing Andy in that amount of pain every month, knowing that he was to blame? Would he even be there to see it? Andy would surely turn on him, be furious with him, maybe tell him to get out of his life after tonight should the worst happen.
Wrapped in an old blanket that had been left in the room, Andy looked cold and scared, but not in any pain. Tom closed his eyes, trying to ride out a fresh spike of pain without worrying him. It was getting harder to remain silent and Tom turned away, biting down on the side of his hand in an attempt to keep quite. There were tears on his face and blood on his hand before it receded enough to let him think again.
"Tom?" Andy had come over to the cage and was kneeling down. He put a hand through the bars. "Tom? Are you still you?"
"Yeah, but don't touch me," Tom panted, moving further back into the cage. "Can't put your hand in here. If you're not....." Something shifted and ripped inside as muscles started to move and Tom cried out, unable to keep silent any longer. He felt teeth and nails start to lengthen, and he was sure his eyes had changed too.
A moment later, Andy jumped back, eyes fearful as he retreated to the corner furthest from the cage. Curling into a ball on the floor, Tom closed his eyes, unable to watch the growing look of terror on Andy face, knowing that he was the cause of it. It was far worse, he decided as conscious thought fled, than anything the transformation could ever make him feel.
******
"Tom? Thomas?"
There was a cold hand on his shoulder and the smell of vampire. Tom leapt to his feet, nearly pushing Hal over as he did. Andy was nowhere to be seen. "What's happened?" Tom asked, suddenly fearful of what had gone on after he'd changed.
"Andy didn't change. He is upstairs waiting for you. Alex is with him," Hal said turning his back so that Tom could get dressed. "I came to bring you your clothes."
"Oh, right." There was a brief moment of relief at the knowledge that Andy remained as human as when he first met him, followed by the crushing memory of how Andy had looked at him as he'd changed. Tom closed his eyes and swallowed hard. He wanted to blame the sick feeling on not having thought to bring anything to eat into the cellar for once he'd changed, but he knew that it wasn't. He'd let Andy see the whole transformation and now nothing could ever be the same.
He should have told Andy to leave the cellar before the change was complete, once it had got to the point it had at the farm when he'd fled to the coal shed. If Andy had been going to change there would have been signs by then. He'd been the only one stupid enough to think Andy was going to change in the first place and now he'd screwed everything up even worse than it had been before. All Andy would see when he looked at him now was monster. Everything came down to it being his fault, all the mistakes and missed chances were down to the fact that he was too thick to do anything right.
"Tom?" Hal's hand was on his shoulder again. "Is something the matter?"
"Yeah, but not me. I mean I don't matter. It's Andy, I just want him to be happy and..and..." Tom stopped and turned away. He knew what he should do, it wouldn't make things right, but it would give Andy a chance at a normal life again. He'd done it for Allison, he'd let her go. He could do it again. "I should tell him that us...that all of it, trying to get married at an' me pretending to be normal, that it were all a mistake. 'Cause if I stay all this'll happen again and again and one day it'll be even worse than this and I can't do that to him, even if he still wants me around. It'd just be being selfish and I can't do to that to him, I can't do..."
"Stop. Tom, stop." Hal moved round in front of him and handed him a handkerchief. "You are imagining the worst. After all that Andy told us last night I cannot believe that he would not want to take that risk to remain with you and to keep the life you have built together."
"But he shouldn't have t' risk anythin'" Tom said wiping his eyes. "I shouldn't have stayed with him so long or after he found out what I am. It'll go wrong, 'cause it always does and everyone I knows dies, me dad, George, Nina, Annie and little Eve, all of them. It were only luck that Alex ended up as ghost rather than properly dead. And what if anything happens to him and it's my fault? I don't think I can do it, Hal, I can't stay, but I can't go either. I'm scared."
"Things may go wrong if you stay together, none of us can see the future and I can't tell you that there won't heartbreak or tragedy if you remain with him." Hal looked steadily at him. "It is however only a possibility, if you were to part now based on such a fear for the future I would think that it would be a certainty for you both."
"So you think I should stay?" Tom said, starting to pull on his clothes. "Is that what you'd do?"
"Our lives are not easy. You have found happiness, do not throw it away out of fear." Hal moved closer to him. "If I had your love in that way that you love Andy there would be no power on this Earth that I would allow to come between us."
Nobody did scarily intense quite like Hal, Tom thought, taking half a step back. He must have been truly frightening when he was being all vampiry with it. He was right about Andy, in his heart Tom knew it, there was no way he could bring himself to walk away.
Hal gave him an encouraging smile. "It think it is time you went and told your young man that everything is alright. And that he can stop worrying about you. I can tidy up here."
"Thanks. I mean it, I ain't good with stuff like this."
"I believe this is where I should say 'what are friends for?' or at least I think that is how people express the sentiment these days."
"Hal," Tom said pausing on the steps out of the cellar. "I didn't ask before, but what happened to Larry? I mean after I ran off? How'd you get him to leave?"
There was a small smile on his face when Hal answered, and it was anything but kind. "I didn't give him the option of staying."
Tom decided that he didn't want to know exactly what Hal had threatened Larry with, that he'd gone would have to be enough. He wasn't going to waste any more time thinking about Larry, he told himself and hurried off to find Andy.
TBC
A/N
So much for getting this part posted before Christmas, I ended up not having any time to write for about the best part of a fortnight in the end. Well here it is at last and things are slowly sorting themselves out for Tom and Andy. I'm hoping to get the next part up in the next couple of weeks as some of it is already written.
Fandoms: Being Human/Torchwood
Characters/Pairings: Tom McNair/Andy Davidson.
Word Count: 123,600 posted out of about 135,000.
Why hadn't he believed him? Why had he run off? Even if Andy didn't change tomorrow night, could things really go back to how they were between them? How could Andy ever rely on him again for anything after what he'd done? Tom closed his eyes and leant his head against the cold glass of his old bedroom window. He wanted to blame the wolf for it, but it felt overwhelmingly like this was entirely his own fault.
Behind him Andy was asleep, the covers pulled around him so that all Tom could see was the top of his head. The shower had helped a little in the sense that they'd both been warm when they got under the duvet a couple of hours earlier, but that had been about the only improvement. Andy had barely spoken to him, and while he wanted to thing that it was tiredness and worry about what the full moon would bright, he doubted that things would easily be resolved by a nights sleep and Andy remaining human.
Which was why at three am he was standing staring out a cold, wet night, unable to sleep. He had to make up for it somehow, he do whatever he could to make sure that Andy would be okay, whether he changed or not. What he didn't have was any idea where to start.
He sighed. He'd not been able to sleep at all, worry and all the wild energy that seemed to build up in the day or two before the full moon keeping wide awake. He turned to look at Andy, and rubbed a hand across his eyes.
He had to talk to somebody, otherwise he'd end up sitting there worrying about things until he wanted to run off and hide again or until his head was in the same state as Andy's. And then he'd be no use to either of them.
If he'd had Martha's or Gwen's numbers he'd have called them, but the numbers were written down back at Cwm Elan Farm. Which only left Hal or Alex to talk to. He'd known Hal longer than Alex and being a bloke, even if he was a vampire he would probably understand how he was thinking better than Alex. There was also the fact Hal was older than everybody else he knew even if you added all their ages together, which hopefully meant he might have an idea about what would help.
Slipping out of his room, Tom made his way along the corridor to Hal's room. He paused outside, hoping that Hal wasn't asleep. There was light coming from under the door,
"Hal? You awake in there?" Tom called through the keyhole. "There's some stuff I need to ask yer."
"Yes. You can come in, I was only reading," Hal replied. "Alex found me a list of the hundred books that everybody should read. I'm not convinced, everybody should read them all.
Tom opened the door to see Hal putting a bookmark in a copy of Lord of the Rings. Hal turned and then stared at him. Tom's heart sank, certain he was going to be told how foolish running off had been. "I know, I'm an idiot," Tom said miserably. "There ain't anything you can say Hal that'll make me feel any crapper about this than I already do."
"I have no wish to upset you further," Hal said sitting down on the end of the bed. "You have obviously suffered and those," his eyes stayed to the claw marks still clear on Tom's side, "do bear out what your young man said about fighting for you."
"That's the problem though, ain't, it." Tom said sitting down next to him. "He got hurt 'cause of me. And I didn't even realise how upset he were about it. I don't reckon he'd killed anything before. And he weren't taking it well, but I were too thick to notice, I thought he were just a bit down. And now I've gone and made it loads worse by running off and not believing him." He leant forwards head in hands. "I dunno what to do."
"I wish could give you an answer, but I am no wiser than you, perhaps even less so as I have had a few centuries to gain wisdom and appear to have failed for the most part." Hal sighed. "Although I cannot tell you with complete certainty that Andy will not change tomorrow, I do not believe it to be likely. All the advice I can give it to allow yourselves time. It is, as they say, a great healer."
Tom didn't hold out any great hope of time solving their problems, but perhaps it might take the edge off it and let Andy see that things could be alright again. What if Andy needed more help than he could give him? What if he screwed it all up by doing something daft like running off? Or what if something happened to him while he was out on a full moon, what if Andy thought he'd run away, but really he'd got hurt and wasn't able to get home?
"Tom," Hal said, when he hadn't replied, "Please do not see any of what has happened as a failure on your part. I do not see how you could have possibly done more than you have."
There wasn't any time to tell Hal he could think of about a dozen ways he could have done better, as Andy's voice came from down the hall. "Tom? Tom where are you?"
"I'd better go," Tom said, getting up. "I'll think about what yer said. I ain't sure yer right, but I'll still think about it." Then opening the door called back, "I'm coming. Be there in a minute."
"Where were you?" Andy asked, sounding afraid, as Tom let himself back into their room.
"I just went to talk to Hal about staying for a couple more days, just while we get things sorted," Tom said, sitting down next to him. "He said we could. Hal's a top bloke."
"But I want to go home," Andy said, looking warily round the room. "Back to the farm. Back to it just being us. I'll be okay then. Well not okay, but I can't stay here."
"Just for tonight, just until we know," Tom said. "I don't think you wanna be driving just yet anyway, and I've not driven the land rover that far before." He was fairly certain he could if he had to, but there was nowhere for them to both safely change at the farm, and if Andy stayed human he'd be on his own all night. No, staying put for a few more hours was better, he told himself.
Andy frowned like he didn't quite understand and then curled back under the covers.
It wasn't the reaction that Tom had been hoping for and he lay down next to him. "I dunno what's goin' on in that head of yours, but I wanna help and I can't unless you tell me what's wrong?"
"If it was that simple, don't you think I'd do it?" Andy said, not looking at him.
"I didn't say it were simple, an' I don't think it is, not if it's doing this to yer." Tom put an arm across him, hoping he would move closer. "I know yer wanna go home and we will, whatever happens I'm gonna stay with yer."
Andy made a noise too close to a sob for comfort and Tom curled against him. "I know I ain't helped you as much as I should an' I've probably made things a lot worser than they coulda bin, but I promise I'll help yer get happier again. I promise, but I think it's more than I can do." He swallowed down his own fear as best he could. "I know yer don't like talkin' about what happened between leaving the police and getting to Cwm Elan, but I know you said that you were feeling pretty bad about everything. So I just wondered if there were something that they gave yer or said to yer or did, that maybe yer need now? 'Cause whatever it is I'll make sure you get it."
"They'll take me away or you," Andy said, grabbing hold of his hand. "You said it, werewolves have to hide, to be safe. I can't let them do it."
"Martha knows what I am," Tom said, "And she still reckoned there was somebody I could talk to. Maybe they have special people who know all this weird stuff. I mean she is doctor, she'd know who we could talk to about stuff like this. And she did a really good job on your arm. It'd be okay."
Andy shook his head and said, "I don't know. I can't think. I'm tired. I'm too tired."
He wasn't going to win this one tonight, Tom decided, maybe if Andy did get a bit more sleep they could talk about it again in the morning. He wasn't going to stop asking, he was certain that doing so would be the worst thing he could do. He'd seen what had happened to George after Nina had been killed, and while it wasn't the same thing, he knew a person's mind could do things to them just as terrible as vampires could.
"Alright," Tom said, and gave him a kiss. "It's bin a long day. You're right, I should get some rest and all."
***
Morning came too soon, and while Andy did get up and have breakfast with him downstairs, Andy had left most of his untouched and had soon afterwards retreated back to bed. Arguing with him about it didn't seem like it would gain anything apart from hurt feelings for them both and probably make things about ten times worse than they already were.
Hal had gone to work, telling him that he'd be back before moonrise and he'd do what he could to help. Tom wasn't sure what that would actually be, but he thanked him anyway. With Hal gone and Andy apparently asleep, he had tried to watch TV, but nothing caught his attention or distracted him from what might happen in a few short hours time.
There was quiet pop and Alex appeared on the sofa next to him. "I know you probably don't want to talk about stuff, I know what men are like," she said, "I grew up with brothers remember. I don't know if I'll be any help either, but...." she stopped. "I should just say it, shouldn't I? Are you okay?"
Tom thought for a moment and decided that lying probably wouldn't help, plus lying wasn't a nice thing to do in the first place. Especially not to ladies, his dad had been clear on that. Although mostly, Tom had come to realise, McNair had meant lying to him was wrong, as they'd had to lie loads to other people just to survive.
"Tom?" Alex said, sounding worried now. "Hey, it'll be okay. Whatever happens, right? There are lots of worse things than ending up like you."
"I don't know," Tom replied. Not looking at her he picked at the frayed edge of one of the cushions on the sofa. "I dunno what to do. I talked to Hal last night and he said just give it time, but what if waiting makes it all worse? what if it gets so bad I can't fix it?""
"You're talking about Andy, aren't you?" she said. "And it's not the will he or won't he be a werewolf tonight thing that's eating you, is it?"
"He's not well, he gets all sad and scared, even when stuff ain't that bad." Tom closed his eyes. It didn't feel right talking about him like this, but if it helped Andy get better, he decided that it was going to have to matter how he felt to him. "I'd not realised how bad it'd got, but now I have and I think I want him to talk to a doctor or something, because I dunno what else to do. But I can't do anythin' until I know if he's gonna change or not. And he's scared of talking to anybody about it, and he might be right about that, and even when I 'm trying to help I might still be making it all worse."
"Oh Tom." Alex put an arm around him. "Whatever happens you've always got us. I'd say you can call me anytime, but the whole no presence on electronic stuff...well it's crap for keeping in touch. I suppose I could be the first texting ghost. Or emails. Even Hal's getting into the 20th century with technology. You should see how focused he gets playing Tetris."
"What's that?" Tom said, "Is it something for cleaning or ?"
"It's a computer game were you fit all these tiny blocks together to make straight lines."
It didn't sound all that fun, but if it kept Hal distracted or had become part of his routine then it had to be a good thing.
"I know you probably don't want to think about it," Alex said, "but if you and Andy are going to change tonight, where are you going to do it?"
"We dunno if he is gonna change," Tom said. Hal had seemed fairly sure that he wasn't and Andy didn't seem to be any different, but they still couldn't risk it happening somewhere insecure. "I can't be in with him in case he don't change, 'cause that'd be really bad."
Alex thought for a moment and then said, "What about Andy changes or not in the cellar and you go out to the woods?"
"But then he'd have to do it all by himself, and I don't want him to have to do it all by himself." The idea of Andy suffering through the transformation alone and scared was too much. Leaning forward, Tom covered his face with his hands.
"I wasn't going to suggest this before as well I didn't think you'd want to be locked up or anything, but you could use Hal's cage, if you wanted."
Tom looked up. "Why does Hal have a cage? He's not gone all grr-arg again has he?"
"Nope, so don't you go worrying about that," she said. "It was for another werewolf we had staying with us for a while. Rook dropped him off here hoping you'd look after him."
"Rook came back here?" Tom said, not sure if he was worried or annoyed that nobody had thought to mention it to him before. "And what happened to the other werewolf."
"Nothing bad. It was only a temporary thing. We didn't know it at the time, which is why Hal got the cage. Apparently Rook's department got shut down. He didn't want anything bad happening to Bobby, so he brought him here."
He'd not really known much about Rook, apart from the fact that he seemed pretty cold and heartless about pretty much everything. "I 'spose there has to be a bit of good in everyone somewhere."
"Any way," Alex continued. "It turns out that his department got a bit of a reprieve and got merged with something called UNIT. So he got his job back sort of, he's not in charge of anything now, any how he came to collect Bobby. It must be six months ago now."
"So he's okay? Rook didn't do owt weird to him?"
"Not apart from asking Hal to try and get Bobby a job at the hotel. Hal didn't as the only job Bobby might have had a chance of doing was kitchen porter and couldn't just sack the staff they'd got to give the guy a job." She got up off the sofa. "So do you want to come and have a look at the cage, just to make sure it'll be okay?"
Want, no, but Tom nodded as there wasn't anything to be gained from not doing it and a lot that could go wrong if it wasn't suitable and he left it to late to find it out.
The cellar was how Tom remembered it; cold whitewashed walls, a stone floor and nothing breakable. What was new what the metal barred cage that occupied about a third of it. Walking over to it, Tom felt a shiver of fear run through him. This soon after having been locked in by Audrey and her vampires and being made to fight getting shut in another cage was the last thing he wanted to do, but there really wasn't any alternative.
He could hardly shut Andy in the cage, as if Andy didn't change he'd have to stay locked in with him until the moon.
Tom inspected the door to the cage, where it was held closed with a large padlock which fastened together a length of heavy duty chain. There's be no way he'd be able to break out of there. He'd be safe in the cage and Andy would be safe in the room, and able to got back up the steps and back to the house if he didn't change. This was the best solution, he told himself, it was only for tonight.
"So what do you think?" Alex said. First appearing inside the cage and then vanishing, before appearing back next to him.
"It's pretty good, how did Hal know where to get one? Or don't I wanna know?"
"The internet. It was time he joined the 21st century," Alex replied. "The delivery and installation guy gave him a weird look when Hal said it was for when he had a friend staying.
"Did he think Hal were kidnapping people or something?" The last thing they needed was the police to raid the house or something.
Alex shook her head. "I think he decided Hal was into some seriously kinky sex and was making his own dungeon. That Hal answer the door topless and wearing rubber gloves, well I don't think the guy had installed anything so fast in is life."
"Why'd people want to be together like that in a cage?" Tom said surprised. "I meant it ain't gonna be very comfortable." He looked at the cage, really not getting it. "So do they lock both of themselves in or what? What'd they do if they lost the key?"
Alex laughed. "Some people like playing out stories, fantasies and the like. They want a bit of excitement in their lives."
"I get enough of stuff like that in real life and it ain't ever any fun." Tom frowned. Some days he thought he'd just never understand normal people. He turned away from the cage. "Well I'd better go and tell Andy about where'll be changing tonight."
Andy was asleep when he got to their room, so after deciding not to wake him, Tom went back down stairs and tried to distract himself by watching the TV again. Nothing was particularly interesting and after a couple of hours he'd almost decided to go up and check on Andy again when he heard footsteps on the stairs. Definitely Andy.
"Do you want a cup of tea? " Tom called out.
"Don't bother making one just for me," Andy said, still sounding exhausted as he came into the room.
"I ain't had one for ages either. We could both do with it." Tom got up from the sofa. "It'll only take me a minute."
Andy nodded in reply and then sat down, while Tom hurried into the kitchen and switched the kettle on.
"I were talking to Alex earlier, and I've sorted out where I can change tonight," Tom said, sitting back down next to him. "We can go down to the cellar and I'll use Hal's cage to change in and you can stay in the rest of the cellar and when you don't change you can just come back up here. Hal and Alex said they'd keep yer company, well if you want any. I mean you probably should, 'cause it'll be weird watching me change and I want you to be okay."
Tom put an arm around him when Andy didn't answer or question any of the details. "It's gonna be okay. It will, I promise. It's totally safe down there, nobody'll get hurt or anything. I mean it. We'll be okay."
Andy nodded faintly and then sighed. "I'm being useless, aren't it? You done all this and I've done nothing."
"No yer not." Tom took hold of his hand. "You've bin great. All this and me being an idiot about it, it'd be a bit much for anyone."
Andy didn't look convinced, but curled against him with his head on Tom shoulder. Wishing he knew what to do to help, Tom flicked through the TV channels until he found something that he knew that Andy usually watched. It wasn't a solution, but maybe it would help a little to take his mind off tonight.
Moonrise was early in the evening this month and as the shadows started to lengthen outside Tom could feel the first twinges of the change beginning to stir. There was no point taking Andy down to the cellar yet, he told himself as the familiar prickle of something like pins and needles started low in his back. It was cold and time would drag, leaving too much space for worry to creep in.
He moved on the sofa, trying to get comfortable. "How yer feeling?"
"I don't know?" Andy seemed to think again for a moment then added, "Cold, I think."
"Nothing else?" Tom asked wanting to take it a positive sign Andy wouldn't change.
"No. I don't know." Andy reached out and took hold of Tom's hand. "Should there be? I mean if...if it's going to happen?"
"I'd have thought so, but I dunno, I ain't been there when anybody changed for the first time." Tom looked down at their hands. If they could sort things out one day, hopefully sooner rather than later, there would be wedding rings there. He held on tightly. "I reckon it's a good sign. It'll be okay. Whatever happens it'll be okay."
Andy didn't look like he believed it, but replied, "If you say so."
Sleeping didn't seem to have helped, Tom decided, but it telling Andy that seemed like a bad plan. So instead he said, "There's a new program about fixing up old cars on now, shall I keep it on that or find a quiz or something?"
"Whatever you want," Andy said, curling against him and closing his eyes again.
Later, when moonrise little more than fifteen minutes away, Tom knew he couldn't distract himself with television or delay going down to the cellar any longer and he got up from the sofa. Pain seemed to crawl through every bone and nerve, but years of practice meant that for now at least he could hide it.
Was this how it had been for his dad? He'd always stayed as late as he could outside the van when he'd been a kid, never letting the pain show, being brave for him, giving him hope that as he got older he'd be able to control the pain too. It was his turn to be brave now, Tom told himself. He held out a hand to Andy. "Right, I think we'd better go downstairs now."
Andy's eyes were wide and fearful as he silently took his hand, and then followed him out the room and down to the cellar.
"Is that for me?" Andy asked warily once they were looking at the cage.
"Me," Tom replied leading him over to it. "I'm gonna change in there, so when you stay as yer are you'll be safe. Alex'll come down here once the moons up and let yer out. It's gonna be okay."
"Is it?" Andy said, shivering in the chill room. "It doesn't feel like." He looked at the cage again and blinked. "Why is there a cage?"
"It were just for when Hal and Alex had another werewolf staying," Tom replied. He paused as he pulled his t-shirt off, letting the material hide the pain he couldn't quite keep from his face. "You should probably get undressed an' all just in case you change. You don't wanna rip yer clothes up."
Andy looked around the bare, cold room and shivered again, before doing as Tom had suggested.
Picking up their clothes, Tom put them in the pile just outside the cellar door. Then, with a last look back up the steps to the house, he shut and then turned the key in the lock. He leant against the wall for a moment, teeth gritted, before making his way over to the cage and getting in.
The clang as it closed, the rattle of the chains being threaded through the bars and the clunk as the padlock closed and locked him in were more frightening than Tom had thought they would be. If it weren't for Andy's safety, Tom knew that he'd never allow himself to be caged like this. Never again he, told himself. After tonight never again.
Yet what if Andy did change? Tom wondered. Could he deal with seeing Andy in that amount of pain every month, knowing that he was to blame? Would he even be there to see it? Andy would surely turn on him, be furious with him, maybe tell him to get out of his life after tonight should the worst happen.
Wrapped in an old blanket that had been left in the room, Andy looked cold and scared, but not in any pain. Tom closed his eyes, trying to ride out a fresh spike of pain without worrying him. It was getting harder to remain silent and Tom turned away, biting down on the side of his hand in an attempt to keep quite. There were tears on his face and blood on his hand before it receded enough to let him think again.
"Tom?" Andy had come over to the cage and was kneeling down. He put a hand through the bars. "Tom? Are you still you?"
"Yeah, but don't touch me," Tom panted, moving further back into the cage. "Can't put your hand in here. If you're not....." Something shifted and ripped inside as muscles started to move and Tom cried out, unable to keep silent any longer. He felt teeth and nails start to lengthen, and he was sure his eyes had changed too.
A moment later, Andy jumped back, eyes fearful as he retreated to the corner furthest from the cage. Curling into a ball on the floor, Tom closed his eyes, unable to watch the growing look of terror on Andy face, knowing that he was the cause of it. It was far worse, he decided as conscious thought fled, than anything the transformation could ever make him feel.
******
"Tom? Thomas?"
There was a cold hand on his shoulder and the smell of vampire. Tom leapt to his feet, nearly pushing Hal over as he did. Andy was nowhere to be seen. "What's happened?" Tom asked, suddenly fearful of what had gone on after he'd changed.
"Andy didn't change. He is upstairs waiting for you. Alex is with him," Hal said turning his back so that Tom could get dressed. "I came to bring you your clothes."
"Oh, right." There was a brief moment of relief at the knowledge that Andy remained as human as when he first met him, followed by the crushing memory of how Andy had looked at him as he'd changed. Tom closed his eyes and swallowed hard. He wanted to blame the sick feeling on not having thought to bring anything to eat into the cellar for once he'd changed, but he knew that it wasn't. He'd let Andy see the whole transformation and now nothing could ever be the same.
He should have told Andy to leave the cellar before the change was complete, once it had got to the point it had at the farm when he'd fled to the coal shed. If Andy had been going to change there would have been signs by then. He'd been the only one stupid enough to think Andy was going to change in the first place and now he'd screwed everything up even worse than it had been before. All Andy would see when he looked at him now was monster. Everything came down to it being his fault, all the mistakes and missed chances were down to the fact that he was too thick to do anything right.
"Tom?" Hal's hand was on his shoulder again. "Is something the matter?"
"Yeah, but not me. I mean I don't matter. It's Andy, I just want him to be happy and..and..." Tom stopped and turned away. He knew what he should do, it wouldn't make things right, but it would give Andy a chance at a normal life again. He'd done it for Allison, he'd let her go. He could do it again. "I should tell him that us...that all of it, trying to get married at an' me pretending to be normal, that it were all a mistake. 'Cause if I stay all this'll happen again and again and one day it'll be even worse than this and I can't do that to him, even if he still wants me around. It'd just be being selfish and I can't do to that to him, I can't do..."
"Stop. Tom, stop." Hal moved round in front of him and handed him a handkerchief. "You are imagining the worst. After all that Andy told us last night I cannot believe that he would not want to take that risk to remain with you and to keep the life you have built together."
"But he shouldn't have t' risk anythin'" Tom said wiping his eyes. "I shouldn't have stayed with him so long or after he found out what I am. It'll go wrong, 'cause it always does and everyone I knows dies, me dad, George, Nina, Annie and little Eve, all of them. It were only luck that Alex ended up as ghost rather than properly dead. And what if anything happens to him and it's my fault? I don't think I can do it, Hal, I can't stay, but I can't go either. I'm scared."
"Things may go wrong if you stay together, none of us can see the future and I can't tell you that there won't heartbreak or tragedy if you remain with him." Hal looked steadily at him. "It is however only a possibility, if you were to part now based on such a fear for the future I would think that it would be a certainty for you both."
"So you think I should stay?" Tom said, starting to pull on his clothes. "Is that what you'd do?"
"Our lives are not easy. You have found happiness, do not throw it away out of fear." Hal moved closer to him. "If I had your love in that way that you love Andy there would be no power on this Earth that I would allow to come between us."
Nobody did scarily intense quite like Hal, Tom thought, taking half a step back. He must have been truly frightening when he was being all vampiry with it. He was right about Andy, in his heart Tom knew it, there was no way he could bring himself to walk away.
Hal gave him an encouraging smile. "It think it is time you went and told your young man that everything is alright. And that he can stop worrying about you. I can tidy up here."
"Thanks. I mean it, I ain't good with stuff like this."
"I believe this is where I should say 'what are friends for?' or at least I think that is how people express the sentiment these days."
"Hal," Tom said pausing on the steps out of the cellar. "I didn't ask before, but what happened to Larry? I mean after I ran off? How'd you get him to leave?"
There was a small smile on his face when Hal answered, and it was anything but kind. "I didn't give him the option of staying."
Tom decided that he didn't want to know exactly what Hal had threatened Larry with, that he'd gone would have to be enough. He wasn't going to waste any more time thinking about Larry, he told himself and hurried off to find Andy.
TBC
A/N
So much for getting this part posted before Christmas, I ended up not having any time to write for about the best part of a fortnight in the end. Well here it is at last and things are slowly sorting themselves out for Tom and Andy. I'm hoping to get the next part up in the next couple of weeks as some of it is already written.
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Date: 2015-01-10 11:02 am (UTC)Wow, so Andy didn't change. That's good. And Hal is being amazingly awesome. And Alex :)
Really, really enjoying this and looking forward to the last parts.