quietly freaking out about tomorrow
Sep. 9th, 2019 08:29 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
silver_sunSo I’ve got a hospital appointment tomorrow about my fibroid and I know it’s got to the point where I need something done.
Rest is under a read more cut, as not everybody wants to hear me freaking about about hospital stuff
There are various options but one of them is a hysterectomy.
You’d think the it would be idea of have bits cut out of me would be the bit I’d be most worried over. The thing is I’m not overly bothered about the idea of that or it being painful afterwards. No, it’s the idea of a general anaesthetic. I just can’t. The idea of going under, however safe and routine it is. I’d rather have an epidural and see everything they’re doing.
There are not many things that truly scare me, but that,that does.
I’m going to ask for any of the other options, literally any of the other options, I don’t care which just one where I can stay awake. Because there is nothing more frightening for me than completely losing control.
so I can try and distract myself with fic, with writing, with over thinking what hair dye it get because that’s all I can do.
yes, this is probably a conversation to be having with my family. But the husband is so positive all the the he just doesn’t seem to get why I’d be scared. Quoting statistic about the safeness of general anaesthetic won’t help me feel any better. My mum will make it about her, about how it’s not fair to worry her, before launching into every worse case scenario she can thing of. Followed by her giving said worse case scenarios to all of my other relations who will decide I’ve made it up to frighten her. To make myself look important. I gave up years ago trying to workout how their idea of logic works.
They live at at the other end of the country, so the plan is right now that they don’t ever have to know.
So right now I feel like I’m shaking, I feel like have been since the start of the month. I’m not. Nobody around me sees it. I don’t let them. I can’t let them.
This is not logical I know. But it’s a learnt response to hide absolutely I feel, unless it’s positive. To not be ill, to keep going.
I shouldn’t. I know I shouldn’t.
Posting on here is the closest I can get. Here I’ve got time to answer, to just walk away if I have to. yes, it's basically just screaming into the void of the internet, but it's as much as i can let myself have.
So there you have it silver sun is quite possibly as screwed up as some of the people she writes about.
Rest is under a read more cut, as not everybody wants to hear me freaking about about hospital stuff
There are various options but one of them is a hysterectomy.
You’d think the it would be idea of have bits cut out of me would be the bit I’d be most worried over. The thing is I’m not overly bothered about the idea of that or it being painful afterwards. No, it’s the idea of a general anaesthetic. I just can’t. The idea of going under, however safe and routine it is. I’d rather have an epidural and see everything they’re doing.
There are not many things that truly scare me, but that,that does.
I’m going to ask for any of the other options, literally any of the other options, I don’t care which just one where I can stay awake. Because there is nothing more frightening for me than completely losing control.
so I can try and distract myself with fic, with writing, with over thinking what hair dye it get because that’s all I can do.
yes, this is probably a conversation to be having with my family. But the husband is so positive all the the he just doesn’t seem to get why I’d be scared. Quoting statistic about the safeness of general anaesthetic won’t help me feel any better. My mum will make it about her, about how it’s not fair to worry her, before launching into every worse case scenario she can thing of. Followed by her giving said worse case scenarios to all of my other relations who will decide I’ve made it up to frighten her. To make myself look important. I gave up years ago trying to workout how their idea of logic works.
They live at at the other end of the country, so the plan is right now that they don’t ever have to know.
So right now I feel like I’m shaking, I feel like have been since the start of the month. I’m not. Nobody around me sees it. I don’t let them. I can’t let them.
This is not logical I know. But it’s a learnt response to hide absolutely I feel, unless it’s positive. To not be ill, to keep going.
I shouldn’t. I know I shouldn’t.
Posting on here is the closest I can get. Here I’ve got time to answer, to just walk away if I have to. yes, it's basically just screaming into the void of the internet, but it's as much as i can let myself have.
So there you have it silver sun is quite possibly as screwed up as some of the people she writes about.