quietly freaking out about tomorrow

[silver_sun]

So I’ve got a hospital appointment tomorrow about my fibroid and I know it’s got to the point where I need something done.


Rest is under a read more cut, as not everybody wants to hear me freaking about about hospital stuff




There are various options but one of them is a hysterectomy.

You’d think the it would be idea of have bits cut out of me would be the bit I’d be most worried over. The thing is I’m not overly bothered about the idea of that or it being painful afterwards. No, it’s the idea of a general anaesthetic. I just can’t. The idea of going under, however safe and routine it is. I’d rather have an epidural and see everything they’re doing.


There are not many things that truly scare me, but that,that does.


I’m going to ask for any of the other options, literally any of the other options, I don’t care which just one where I can stay awake. Because there is nothing more frightening for me than completely losing control.


so I can try and distract myself with fic, with writing, with over thinking what hair dye it get because that’s all I can do.


yes, this is probably a conversation to be having with my family. But the husband is so positive all the the he just doesn’t seem to get why I’d be scared. Quoting statistic about the safeness of general anaesthetic won’t help me feel any better. My mum will make it about her, about how it’s not fair to worry her, before launching into every worse case scenario she can thing of. Followed by her giving said worse case scenarios to all of my other relations who will decide I’ve made it up to frighten her. To make myself look important. I gave up years ago trying to workout how their idea of logic works.


They live at at the other end of the country, so the plan is right now that they don’t ever have to know.


So right now I feel like I’m shaking, I feel like have been since the start of the month. I’m not. Nobody around me sees it. I don’t let them. I can’t let them.
This is not logical I know. But it’s a learnt response to hide absolutely I feel, unless it’s positive. To not be ill, to keep going.

I shouldn’t. I know I shouldn’t.

Posting on here is the closest I can get. Here I’ve got time to answer, to just walk away if I have to. yes, it's basically just screaming into the void of the internet, but it's as much as i can let myself have.

So there you have it silver sun is quite possibly as screwed up as some of the people she writes about.

Comments

[badly_knitted]

Sending good thoughts your way. Been there, done that, know the fear and the tying to hide it, and the mum making it all about her. Good luck!

[silver_sun]

Not a great appointment, the woman doing it wanted to push me towards getting a total hysterectomy, to the point where she all but lied about other treatment and failed to even mention alternatives until I asked about them. Finally she relented and gave me a leaflet about my preferred treatment, even then she basically told me the facts about a different one that wouldn’t work and tried to claim it was the same thing.

So I’m going to have an MRI to check the fibroid size then I hopefully I can actually talk to the radiologist who could carry out my preferred option where they injection the fibroid and it dies slowly over about 6 months. I know I’m going to have to fight for it. So I’ve got case studies to back me up that it can and has been used successfully on fibroids the size of mine multiple times.

If I could rustle up 5 grand I could go private, but I’m going to try to get the nhs to listen to me. Either way I’m going to refuse the hysterectomy as it’s not needed. And they certain don’t need to chop out my ovaries either.

Her argument that since I was 40 and don’t want any more kids I should have it all cut out isn’t going to fly with.

[badly_knitted]

I don't blame you, no matter what they say the surgery is a big deal.

Good luck with getting them to listen, don't let yourself be bullied. You know what you want, stand your ground, and I hope the treatment will be effective. You've done your research so you know what you're talking about. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you.

No one should be forced into surgery if they don't want it.

[silver_sun]

Thank you, getting a reply means a lot to me. I’m not great about opening up about stuff, about talking, I get too much in the mind set that I shouldn’t be bothering anyone and I’m never quite sure what I’m saying, typing, comes across right.

[badly_knitted]

It can be hard, especially talking about something so personal and worrying. I have social anxieties so I'm always worrying about what I say to people. I have to think very hard when typing, but at least I can correct what I write until it comes across the way I want it to.

Just stick to your guns so you get the treatment you want rather than the doctor's preferred option. It's your body, your choice. Too much unnecessary surgery gets carried out because people don't know the have other options.