Lan Xichen - not exactly a meta thing, just a headcanon type thing

[silver_sun]

Originally posted on my Tumblr in Feb 2020  (yes, this is me trying to organised with my fandom stuff and get it into once place.)

Okay didn’t expect to be typing up some random Lan Xichen meta type stuff this evening on my phone, but here I am writing about lxc trying to stay calm and do the right thing when everything around him is falling apart.

Sort of prompted by screencap showing where when things were going wrong - such as in Guanyin temple, lxc just sits down and meditates, like he is just so chill about it all. And a few people were saying that it was odd or silly or useless.

I could be wrong, missing something, but to me it looked like he was trying to stay calm, to get the space to think and reason out what to do for the best. Basically going ‘things are awful, but I can’t panic about it, I’m not allowed to panic about it, because if I do that will make it worse and I need to make this better somehow’

Because that’s what he does. He’s just that good. He tries so very hard to do the best he can. (Which is why for me jgy playing on lxc’s goodness, his kindness and willingness to see the best in people is so awful. Even if jgy loved him, which I think he probably did, it doesn't make how he used him, how he lied to him, any better.)

So lxc, calmness and trying to do the right thing.

The thing is lxc has always known he was going to be the next Lan sect leader, has always had those expectations put on him, he’s been raised with the expectations that he will not only be a leader, but that he will excel at it, that he’ll be flawless, unlike his father.

He’s as bound by the Lan sect rules as LWJ, perhaps even more so in some ways, as he has absolutely no outlet for what he’s feeling. Because any negative actions on his part would reflect badly on his sect and he is absolutely not willing to risk that. So he can’t get annoyed and walk out like LWJ at Koi Tower, no matter how bad it gets.

He's really trying so hard to be genuinely good person, one who really does want things to be okay for everyone. That loves his sect and family helps his situation massively. Trying to attain the level of perfection he does without that would be nigh on impossible.

He’s had to be calm, responsible, quiet, kind and diplomatic. It’s what he’s be shaped to be from an early age, both as a sect leader in waiting and because it’s what he needed to be for his little brother. LWJ (esp as a teenager) tried to be perfect model Lan. LXC tried to be perfect person.

Yes, he smiles and is more personable and talkative than LWJ, but that is required of him too. He doesn’t get an option not to be, no matter how he is feeling, he never has. A good sect leader must be reasonable, diplomatic, some one who can persuade with reasoned debate. He must be just and fair, and if he can be kind and generous. All while keeping to all the Lan rules as well.

So he tries to be the very best he can be. To let the only emotions that he shows be positive ones. Because the negative ones, the ones that hurt, that make him feel angry, feel betrayed or scared he knows he can’t show. Because to do that is to fail to live up to his expected role. To allow it to be visible is to potentially hurt or disappoint those closed to him, maybe even his whole sect.

So in those times when it’s all falling apart and he sits there with an almost other worldly calm, meditating it’s not because he’s calm, it’s because inside he’s absolutely not.

He’s gone past the point where he can face it calmly, can talk with a reassuring smile and deal with the situation.

He’s sitting there meditating because he’s trying to calm himself down. To get himself back to a point where he can be what is expected of him. Because it is what he expects of himself - he doesn’t want to make things worse. Because he’d been a very young sect leader in war time and anything less than being perfect would be a reason for others to doubt him, doubt his sect. To be calm in the face of everything has come to equal success as a leader, as a person, he’s tried to shape his whole personality on it.

To lose that calm then becomes akin to failure in his eyes. Failure as a leader, as a friend, as a brother, as a person. He doesn’t want to let them down, any of them.

You have to hope he got all the help he needed following his decision to go into seclusion after everything that happened. To let him know he did all he could, that he’s not a bad person for being tricked. That he is still the same good, caring person he always has been. That it’s precisely because he is so nice that what happened is so devastating to him.

I don’t think LWJ would let him sit there, stewing over everything in his mind again and again. That he knows it wouldn’t help him, not in the end. Not when things have likely got so twisted in his mind that feeling anything seems like failure, but to not feel anything is also a betrayal. Lxc was there for LWJ after his punishment and WWX death, so I think that LWJ would try to help his brother anyway he could.

I want to think he gets out of seclusion eventually, that in the end LXC could be as kind and understanding to himself as he always was to others. The other option, where he doesn’t, where he stays trapped in circular thought patterns of failure and self blame for not being enough, is just too awful to think on.

Basically: lxc is nice, he worries about making the right choices or doing anything that will hurt his family/sect, even accidentally.
He doesn’t get petty or angry or vengeful or mean. He just goes very quiet and tries to make things better.