Scars Etched in Heart and Mind (1/2)
Jan. 2nd, 2023 11:01 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
Chapters: 1/2
Fandom: 陈情令 | The Untamed (TV)
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: Lán Zhàn | Lán Wàngjī/Wèi Yīng | Wèi Wúxiàn
Characters: Lán Zhàn | Lán Wàngjī, Wèi Yīng | Wèi Wúxiàn, Lán Qǐrén
Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Panic Attacks, Lán Zhàn | Lán Wàngjī Needs a Hug, First Kiss, Happy Ending, POV Lán Zhàn | Lán Wàngjī, POV Third Person Limited, Present Tense, Getting Together
Canon divergent au from the last few minutes of The Untamed.
Summary: It tears at Lan Wangji's heart to let Wei Wuxian walk off in to the Jianghu without him. Yet he feels powerless to do anything else, certain Wei Wuxian needs his freedom, which he will not have if he remains with him in the Cloud Recesses. Walking back, alone once more, he breaks.
There is no other choice that he could have made, Lan Wangji tells himself. Certainly no fairer one. The cultivation world needs stability if further conflict and bloodshed are to be avoided, his brother needs his support and Wei Ying….
The path in front of him blurs and he feels the hot sting of tears in his eyes. Wei Ying deserved his freedom. To invent and travel, to live and joke and laugh and drink and eat food that made your mouth feel as if it were on fire.
The rush of fondness brings with it the wet spill of tears down his cheeks. He doesn’t acknowledge them. Not even to wipe them away. He can’t. Because he knows that acknowledging them, giving in to them, would only make things worse. Bitter experience has taught him that, so he keeps walking.
Distance will help. Time will help. Being busy will help. Seeing his brother able to smile again, when that finally happens, will help. Sizhui returning from his travels with Wen Ning will help. And ultimately knowing that Wei Ying is happy and thriving will as well. Eventually, he tries to tell himself, he will be able to convince himself it won’t matter if they never meet again. As long as Wei Ying is safe and happy.
Only it will.
It will always matter.
His steps slow and falter, but he refuses to stop. He won't turn around. He won't chase after Wei Ying. He won't catch him up and ask him to stay. He loves him, mind, body and soul, and has done for more than half a lifetime. Which is why he can't. He absolutely can’t.
Wei Ying needs to be free. If he stays with him, now more than ever, he will not be. The constraints of being Chief Cultivator curtail the freedoms he once had. While the rules of the Lan sect which provide so much support, certainty and comfort for himself would be stifling to Wei Ying. A wall could be both protection or prison depending on how it is viewed.
So he has to let him go.
He’s gone. Wei Ying is gone. Gone where he can't protect him. Where he can't help him. Where he can't comfort him. Where he can’t save him.
His breath catches. Fear burning through his veins.
He stops, barely noticing he is in the middle of the road and forces slow breaths in and out, seeking calm. He knows how to do this, he tells himself. It has been years since he last needed to do this, but it's not something he’s ever likely to forget. All he needs to do is breathe, to remind himself that the fear is baseless, that it does not and will not control him.
His Wei Ying is resourceful, clever, brilliant & tenacious. He is well able to take care of himself. He has survived so much, proved himself over and over. He doesn’t need a protector. He will be fine.
And yet….and yet...
Yet what if he were surprised or outnumbered? What if they had a dog? If someone with a grudge came for him with a curse or poison or a blade while he slept? Even the most powerful cultivator could be tricked or overcome in such a way. Or what if something more mundane happened? Mo Xuanyu’s still forming golden core had been little better than that of a very young junior just starting out on their path to cultivation. What if he was hurt or sick, who would care for him?
He tries to swallow down his fear, his throat tight to the point of being painful. He can’t do this. Can’t think of such things. Can’t allow himself to be like this. Not here. Not now. Wei Ying will be fine. His brother needs him. His uncle too, although he would vehemently deny it, his health never having truly recovered from the Wen attack so many years before. It is too much to expect him to run the sect without any help.
His legs feel almost too weak to hold him and he presses a hand to his chest. He can feel his heart race, lungs growing heavy and tight as his vision blurs and wavers.
Not now. Not here. Not now. Not here. Not where anyone passing by can see.
He knows he can hardly hide in the bushes like a wounded animal, yet he can’t stand in the middle of the road either. He sways as he looks around, sick and dizzy from the crashing waves of panic breaking over him.
A small outcrop of rock at the edge of the road will do, he decides. If he can sit and breathe, perhaps he can stave off the worst of it. If can push it down far enough that he can keep it at bay until he is home and away from prying eyes.
He stumbles to it, collapsing down onto it with none of his usual grace. Bichen drops to the ground by his side and he digs his fingers into his thighs. Hard enough to hurt. Hard enough to bruise. Hard enough, he hopes, to help anchor him to reality.
His brother had helped him so much the first few times. Even his uncle had done so on occasion, although he'd clearly been so concerned for him it had been almost too much to bear. Later he’d learnt to feel them coming on: nerves scraped raw, thoughts growing more and more tangled or fuzzy or circular. It didn’t always work and sometimes it didn’t make a difference even if he did notice. Sometimes nothing helped and the best he could hope for was to find somewhere quiet and private to fall apart in safety.
It has been years since anything has hit him so badly. It is ridiculous, he thinks, dizziness taking hold, that it should come on so suddenly.
Yet it wasn’t sudden. In his heart he knows it isn’t. He knows he’d ignored every warning sign, he has pushed through when he should have paused.
Yet when could he have paused? When could he have stepped back without courting further disaster? When could he have done anything other than what he’d done?
Thoughts swirl: You could have done more. You could have done better. You could have been faster, cleverer, stronger. If you’d been any of those all those years ago on that cliff none of this would have happened. Everything is your fault. Wei Ying died because you let him go then and now you’ve let him go again. He’s going to die again and it will be your fault. It has always been your fault. It will always be your fault.
He tries to do as the healers have told him. Focus on breathing. Focus on the things around you. The warmth of the sun. The sound of the birds in the trees. The scent of….
Thoughts drift away, but the tears won't stop. His breathing refuses to ease. The tightness and ache in his chest growing until he can hear his pulse beating wildly in his ears.
It's like drowning. Without water. Without hope of rescue.
Without hope.
He grips his leg tighter, chasing something to hold him in the present. Pain is real. Pain means he’s still alive. Still fighting.
Even that drifts away.
Time passes.
Slowly he hears the birds again. Feels the sun on his skin. Feels the hot dust of the road coarse against his cheek where he is lying on the ground beside the rock. Whether he’d fallen there or had chosen to lay down he cannot say.
The tears are still wet on his cheeks, his eyes sting, while his head and throat ache from them. The bruises he's dug into his thighs burn. And still he shakes and shakes and shakes.
It is wearyingly familiar at this point more than frightening. A reminder of those first few years after…. He closes his eyes and just breathes. In and out. Deep and slow. Now is not the time for such thoughts.
Slowly the shaking lessens, but it doesn't stop entirely. He doesn't expect it to. Not yet. Maybe not for hours. He's always been shaky afterwards. Shaky and cold and nauseous and so very, very tired.
He manages to sit back on the rock, legs feeling too unsteady to manage more. He knows he’ll have to start walking again soon if he wants to be back at the Cloud Recesses before dark, before curfew. Using Bichen would be faster, but when he can't find the energy to walk or even to stand, flying lies somewhere between inadvisable and impossible.
He is still there, trying to gather himself, when he hears footsteps on the road behind him.
He is certain he looks awful. Shivering despite the warm afternoon sun, eyes red and puffy, cheeks still marked with the dried tracks of tears. He wants to move, to turn away, to not let anyone see him like this.
He risks a glance. It’s not a stranger.
It is Wei Ying.
Which is both infinitely better and infinitely worse. He can't lie to him, but he doesn't want to burden him either. He can't hide it from him, can't run from him, nor would he want to. His heart pounds. Fear, relief and hope all jumbling together. He's caught unable to do anything, even answer Wei Wuxian’s surprised, but pleased greeting.
“Lan Zhan! What are you still doing here?”
There is a brief moment when they look at each other, before Wei Wuxian joy at finding him turns to shock and he drops Little Apple’s rein and runs over to him.
“Lan Zhan? Whatever has happened? Are you hurt?” Wei Wuxian’s voice rising in concern, hand reaching out to touch him. “Come on, say something? Are you sick? Is it a curse? Do you need help? Have you got a flare? We're not too far from the Cloud Recesses, are we, someone would see.”
“No.” His throat hurts. Too dry. Too choked. But the concern, bordering on fear in Wei Wuxian’s voice, drags the words from him. “Do not.”
“No flare. Okay, okay.” He pats Lan Wangji’s arm reassuringly. “I'll think of something. I’m good at that.”
“There is no need.” He swallows, still dry and painful. He can't bear the thought of anyone else seeing him right now. “I am unharmed.”
“But you aren't alright,” Wei Wuxian says, with concern. “You need to tell me what's wrong. Let me help you. You've helped me so much.”
“There is no debt between us. You are free.” Lan Wangji closes his eyes, forcing his breathing to remain something close to steady. “I want you to be free.”
“I am.” Wei Wuxian pats his arm again, trying to reassure him and ease his own fears. “Which, luckily for you, means I’m free to be right here. No offence to Little Apple, but they aren’t the best at conversations, and you know me, always talking. So I thought I’d see if you’d changed your mind or if well, you wanted me to do anything, help out, that sort of thing.”
Emotions are complicated, difficult things at the best of times and now is so very far from that. Had Wei Ying wanted him to ask him to stay? Had he wanted him to leave his home and go travelling with him? Or did it not matter where they were as long as they were together?
“Lan Zhan, I know you won’t lie to me, you never have, you’re so good like that, but I know this is a hard question.” He stops and shakes his head. “I’m finding it difficult to ask, so I know it will be hard to answer, but is it...are you like this because I left? Is this my fault?”
“No, Wei Ying, no. Do not ever blame yourself.” The unhappiness in Wei Wuxian’s voice tears at his already fragile heart. “My reaction is my fault alone. You need your freedom. I will not trap you.”
“Trap me? You think asking me to stay, telling me you want me to stay, would be trapping me?”
It sounds ridiculous spoken aloud, but in his heart Lan Wangji cannot stop himself from believing that in some abstract, awful way it actually is. That in asking Wei Wuxian to stay, he is no better than his father. “How could it be otherwise?”
Wei Wuxian looks at him for a moment, still confused and concerned, before he asks, “If you had asked me to stay and I had said no, what would you have done?”
For all that it would have broken his heart, Lan Wangji knows the answer with absolute certainty. “I would have let you go.”
“Telling me I'm wanted, but that you’ll respect my decision if I want to go isn't trapping me. It's giving me a choice.”
“To burden you with such a choice was unfair.”
“It's no burden. Lan Zhan, you're much too good.”
“No.” He doesn’t feel good. He still feels as if he is being incredibly selfish. He will end up trapping Wei Ying because of it, because he will feel obligated to stay and he'll be miserable because of it. He’ll let his brother down too. He isn’t strong enough to help him through the heartbreak.
He can’t open his eyes and look at him, at that soft look he knows he’ll be giving him. He’ll break if he does.
“You are.” He takes Lan Wangji’s hand in his own, giving it a squeeze. “You put everyone else first. You always do. So right now what do you want? What do you need?”
I want you. I want to hold you and never let you go again. I can’t be without you. I want you more than I can ever put into words. I love you.
Even now he can’t say it. Can’t voice a single word of it.
“Lan Zhan?” It’s gentle in a way that is almost too much. “It's alright. How about I say a few things and you say if that’s what you want? Or you can nod if your throat hurts. It did sound a bit sore.”
He nods. He feels pathetic for accepting this option, but he doesn’t trust his voice not to break or his composure not to shatter along with it.
There is a pause before Wei Wuxian speaks, the moment full of questions that neither of them can find a way to voice aloud. Finally, he asks, “Do you want me to take you home? To stay with you?”
They could stay at an inn, but he wants his own bed and the familiarity of Jingshi. All the time he had wanted to ask Wei Ying to return to Gusu with him, all the times he’d swallowed those words and all the times they’d been rebuffed. Now it is Wei Ying asking him to come back to Gusu. He nods, feeling overcome by it.
Getting back requires walking and walking requires standing. He’s going back to Gusu with Wei Ying. He’s going home with him. He’s going home with him and it is Wei Ying’s choice.
The moment of giddy joy is brought to an abrupt halt as his leg cramps viciously. The deep bruises he's pushed into his thighs protesting sharply now they’re being made to bear weight. He sways despite his best attempts not to.
Wei Ying’s arms are around him in an instant, steadying him. His dark clothes have soaked up the heat of the afternoon sun and Lan Wangji sags into the warmth of his embrace.
“What’s wrong?” There’s an edge of fear in Wei Wuxian's voice, worry that he has missed something important. “You aren’t going to faint, are you?”
Worrying him is the last thing he wants to do. So while speaking isn’t yet something Lan Wangji wants to do, he forces the word from between his lips, knowing that it calls back to much simpler times between them. “Ridiculous.”
“Ah Lan Zhan, you really don’t change, do you?” There is a faintly relieved edge to his tone now. “Should I ask again if I can carry you?”
“No need.” He releases Wei Wuxian slowly. He can withstand the discomfort now he is ready for it. It’s nothing compared to injuries he’s travelled with for far further distances in the past. “It was merely cramp.”
“It’ll wear off soon then. You really had me worried there for a moment.” Wei Wuxian gives him a smile bright enough to rival the sun. “We can stand here a while longer if you want, we don’t have to hurry.”
Lan Wangji thinks for a moment of putting his arms around Wei Wuxian once more. Feeling him warm and alive in his arms. He could stand there for a lifetime and it would barely be enough. Yet if they delay longer they will arrive after curfew at the Cloud Recesses. Arriving late will likely see his uncle notified. If they want to turn Wei Ying away… He can’t risk it.
Trying to push down his fears about what his uncle and sect elders will say when he doesn’t return alone, he shakes his head. “Do not break curfew needlessly.”
“Still so many rules, Lan Zhan.” He pats Lan Wangji’s arm, fondness and reassurance. “I’ll behave.”
So they walk. A slow amble as Wei Wuxian talks about whatever comes into his head, deliberately filling the silence. He doesn’t demand any answers or even ask any questions of him at all. He just makes sure that every moment is filled with his presence so that Lan Wangji knows that he isn’t alone.