Wip Wednesday - Songxiao dom drop fic
Jul. 19th, 2023 11:57 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
silver_sunSomething a little different this week - this has been lurking mostly finished in the wip folder for months.
Songxiao have finished a cnc scene (sub xxc) xxc is fine with what they’ve done (all preplanned) & aftercare has happened for xxc. Xxc’s limits are often more than sl are. But sl doesn’t want disappoint him so gives him the scenes he wants.
Now their scene is done & xxc asleep, sl is dropping fast.
(There’s nothing graphic from the cnc in it, that’s over and done by this point)
(This is a stand alone, and doesn’t fit in with the fic New Horizons.)
Song Lan closes his eyes, trying not to think, but his mind refuses to still. Even the knowledge that Xingchen had wanted this, that he was always the one that plans how it will work and what the limits will be or of how this isn’t the first time or even the tenth, don’t seem to help. He’s hurt him, marked him…forced him.
He forces himself to open his eyes, to watch how Xingchen sleeps, a small smile on his lips, no trace of distress on his face. Yet what did that mean? Nothing more than his dreams were safe.
Safer than being with you.
Song Lan turns away. He feels sick with guilt.
He’s helped him bathe, warm water easing any lingering aches from where he’d been bound. He’d brought him the lightly floral tea and the small, sweet osmanthus cakes that are his favourite; he was always thirsty and exhausted afterwards, the struggling and crying wearing him out. He’s massaged healing salves into the bruises. They’d be gone in a day or so anyway; one of the benefits of a well developed golden core, but that was hardly the point.
Were those things he’d done really for Xiao Xingchen? Or were they just a trick, something Song Lan does afterward to convince him he isn’t a monster, so he will let him do it again and again?
He can’t bother Xingchen with such thoughts. Not when he’s the one who hurt him. How perverse would it be for him to go to him for comfort? To expect him to reassure him that he’d liked what had been done to him.
But it had been Xiao Xingchen’s idea to do this.
Had it? Song Lan wonders, thoughts chasing themselves round in his head. Who had suggested it the first time? Who had suggested the next? Who had done so this time?
Even if it had been Xingchen who had wanted it, had he truly wanted it to be like this? What if he had pushed him too hard? They’ve set words and signals for him to let Song Lan know if it is getting too much or if it was going to places that he couldn’t bear.
Yet he has never used them.
Is that a sign that he’s never pushed Xingchen too hard or is it that he’s pushed him so hard he is afraid of him? Scared to speak or signal, fearing he’ll only be hurt more?
Is Xingchen afraid of him?
How could he be anything else, after what you did to him? How can you even think he wanted it? How? Why would you think someone as kind and caring as Xingchen would ever want such things?
The thoughts swirl, faster and faster, growing more and more insistent that he is the one at fault.
The kettle on the brazier hisses, boiled half dry where it has been forgotten.
Perhaps if he makes himself some tea, if he can settle his nerves a little he can think.
Yet what is there to think of?
He has to apologise to Xingchen. Surely that is it?
An apology? Pathetic. Why should Xingchen even have to listen to a word he says? If Xingchen picked up his Shuanghua and ran him through it would be no less than he deserved.
The kettle hisses again and Song Lan reaches for it.
There is a moment before he realises what he’s done, before the heat of its ceramic handle burns his hand. With a cry he drops it, shards of pottery and hot water covering the floor.
Songxiao have finished a cnc scene (sub xxc) xxc is fine with what they’ve done (all preplanned) & aftercare has happened for xxc. Xxc’s limits are often more than sl are. But sl doesn’t want disappoint him so gives him the scenes he wants.
Now their scene is done & xxc asleep, sl is dropping fast.
(There’s nothing graphic from the cnc in it, that’s over and done by this point)
(This is a stand alone, and doesn’t fit in with the fic New Horizons.)
Song Lan closes his eyes, trying not to think, but his mind refuses to still. Even the knowledge that Xingchen had wanted this, that he was always the one that plans how it will work and what the limits will be or of how this isn’t the first time or even the tenth, don’t seem to help. He’s hurt him, marked him…forced him.
He forces himself to open his eyes, to watch how Xingchen sleeps, a small smile on his lips, no trace of distress on his face. Yet what did that mean? Nothing more than his dreams were safe.
Safer than being with you.
Song Lan turns away. He feels sick with guilt.
He’s helped him bathe, warm water easing any lingering aches from where he’d been bound. He’d brought him the lightly floral tea and the small, sweet osmanthus cakes that are his favourite; he was always thirsty and exhausted afterwards, the struggling and crying wearing him out. He’s massaged healing salves into the bruises. They’d be gone in a day or so anyway; one of the benefits of a well developed golden core, but that was hardly the point.
Were those things he’d done really for Xiao Xingchen? Or were they just a trick, something Song Lan does afterward to convince him he isn’t a monster, so he will let him do it again and again?
He can’t bother Xingchen with such thoughts. Not when he’s the one who hurt him. How perverse would it be for him to go to him for comfort? To expect him to reassure him that he’d liked what had been done to him.
But it had been Xiao Xingchen’s idea to do this.
Had it? Song Lan wonders, thoughts chasing themselves round in his head. Who had suggested it the first time? Who had suggested the next? Who had done so this time?
Even if it had been Xingchen who had wanted it, had he truly wanted it to be like this? What if he had pushed him too hard? They’ve set words and signals for him to let Song Lan know if it is getting too much or if it was going to places that he couldn’t bear.
Yet he has never used them.
Is that a sign that he’s never pushed Xingchen too hard or is it that he’s pushed him so hard he is afraid of him? Scared to speak or signal, fearing he’ll only be hurt more?
Is Xingchen afraid of him?
How could he be anything else, after what you did to him? How can you even think he wanted it? How? Why would you think someone as kind and caring as Xingchen would ever want such things?
The thoughts swirl, faster and faster, growing more and more insistent that he is the one at fault.
The kettle on the brazier hisses, boiled half dry where it has been forgotten.
Perhaps if he makes himself some tea, if he can settle his nerves a little he can think.
Yet what is there to think of?
He has to apologise to Xingchen. Surely that is it?
An apology? Pathetic. Why should Xingchen even have to listen to a word he says? If Xingchen picked up his Shuanghua and ran him through it would be no less than he deserved.
The kettle hisses again and Song Lan reaches for it.
There is a moment before he realises what he’s done, before the heat of its ceramic handle burns his hand. With a cry he drops it, shards of pottery and hot water covering the floor.