A sort of homecoming
Apr. 15th, 2008 11:16 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
silver_sunRating: pg13
Warnings: Vague nongraphic mentions of past abuse.
Spoilers: Last few minutes of Last of the Timelords and first few minutes of Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang.
Summary: The year that never was is over, but the memories still remain.
Sequel to Mind Games.
Saluting, Jack turns and walks away.
Behind him he can hear them talking, their tone amused and disbelieving. He has no idea what the Doctor and Martha think is so absurd, nor can he find it within himself to care. The fact that they are laughing at him rather than with him is all he needs to know, to confirm to him that his decision to walk away had been the right one.
Stepping onto the invisible lift and out of sight he allows the pretence to drop and the fake smile fade. It sickens him to think that after all they have been through, after all they have suffered, after what he has suffered, that they can laugh about him behind his back, and that they don’t even bother to wait for him to leave before they do so.
He closes his eyes as the lift descends, and wonders how their laugher can cut so deeply into the numbness he’s worn like armour for so much of this past year.
What has he ever done to the Doctor to deserve such treatment? He’s died for him, he gave his life for him back when he had only had the one life to give, and he’d done it willingly and out of love.
So why is he still treated as less than the man, the monster, who'd ordered the death of millions, and who danced and laughed while the Earth burnt? Why he is still less in the Doctor’s eyes than a man who kept him chained like an animal, and who’d tortured and abused him for his own sick amusement?
He has no answers, or at least none that provide any comfort.
The Doctor had praise for Martha, and Jack doesn't, and never will, begrudge her a second of it. She came back for them, for both of them, and she had made sure that he had not been left behind, not this time, and for that he will always be grateful.
But it hurt that still there had been nothing for him. Not a sorry, not a thank you, not a hug or even a handshake. Nothing to say that the Doctor even remotely cared what he'd suffered, not an ounce of gratitude shown for all that Jack had done for him, nor any comfort given.
It had been the Doctor’s tears and grief both when Saxon died, and later when he’d burnt the monster’s body, that had been more than Jack could bear, and the reason that he could no longer travel with the man who had once meant so very much to him.
Stepping from the lift and into a deserted and silent Hub, Jack looks frantically around, panic building as he looks for some sign that his team, his stupid, wonderful and so very human team, who, even in the face of death, had never given up on him, and who never will, have survived.
He can’t tell. Some things are out of place, but there is nothing to say that they had survived Saxon or their trip to the Himalayas, nothing to say that he’ll ever see them alive again.
The hope of seeing them again, knowing that they wouldn’t ever willingly abandon him, that they cared, had been a lifeline that he’d clung to during those dark days that had followed Saxon’s attack on his mind and the horrific things that he’d been shown.
The thought he may never see them again is almost too awful to comprehend. He knows that one day he will lose them, all of them falling pray to the unstoppable passage of time and that’s terrifying enough. But to never have the chance to say goodbye, to know that their last memories of him will that of him abandoning them, is more than he can bear.
It feels like a lump lead in his chest, pressing down on his heart, cold and burning it threatens to crush the life from him. His hands clutch to his throat, he can't breathe or rather there doesn't seem to be any air in the room no matter how hard he tries to fill his lungs, it feels like his heart is trying to beat it's way out of his chest.
Light headed and fearful at what is happening to him he manages to stumble the few steps to his office, nearly falling down the ladder into his room.
Lying curled on his bed Jack’s not sure how much time passes until he feels able to breathe easier, for the feeling of complete and utter dread to ebb to a general state of uneasiness.
Still a little unsteady on his feet, Jack makes his way to his small bathroom and runs a sink of cold water. Splashing it over his face, he tries to compose himself, to calm himself.
It’s with wet and trembling fingers that he opens his vortex manipulator and checks its connection with the Hub’s computer, checks the details for the last login. The last as it turns out is a scant three hours ago, when Ianto Jones accessed the central database and printed off information about six different species of semi aquatic aliens.
Jack sags against the sink, head resting on the cold glass of the mirror above it. He’s trembling again, this time though it’s with relief. They are alive, and he finds himself smiling the first genuine smile he had since before this whole nightmare started.
His relief is short lived though as he catches sight of his reflection in the mirror.
The face that looks back at him is the same face that he’s worn for over a hundred and forty years, and it shows nothing of what he’s been through. Only his eyes are older, haunted now by more suffering than any one person should ever have to bear, they stare back at him blank and broken.
He punches the mirror before he even realises what he’s doing, the glass shattering, leaving his reflection as broken and fragmented as he feels. But it’s not enough, it never going to be enough and he hits the mirror again, striking it indiscriminately until it’s surface is a crazed mess that shows nothing and his hand is streaming with blood, knuckles torn and broken.
Holding his injured hand to his chest Jack sinks to the floor, angry and scared both by his own memories and this sudden outburst of rage. He watches dumbly as his hand repairs itself, the skin knitting back together, bones realigning, until there is no damage left, the pain not quite real.
It’s only the knowledge, fear, that his team could come back at any moment and find him that eventually stirs Jack to move. He can’t let his team see him like this, he can’t face their questions, their disappointment in him or worse yet their pity. He can barely face what has happened to him, never mind having to explain it to them.
Disposing of his blood stained shirt and trousers he selects a set of clothes that’s the best match he can find for the ones he was wearing on the day he left.
Pulling on his coat he smiles grimly, it’s either that or breakdown again. He’ll meet them on his own terms, make big entrance, smile, dredge up a few racy stories and improbable situations, tell a joke or two and he’s sure that they’ll take him back with open arms and as few questions asked as possible.
He doesn’t want to lie to them, but he knows that there’s no way can’t talk about it, not yet, he’s just not ready. Anyway they need him to lead them, to tell than what to do, he’s sure of that, and he can’t do that if he allows himself to be a nervous weeping wreck in front of them.
It’s better this way, he tells himself as he exits the Hub, heading for the location of the team’s SUV. After all he’s only lying to protect them, and it’s not like it’s a real lie, it’s just being economical with the truth, he’s certain he can live with that.
Reaching his destination, Jack stands outside a house in a quiet suburban neighbourhood listening to the raised voices of his team and the alien they are trying to capture, within. Then, smiling what he hopes is his most convincing smile he steps inside, ready to face his team and save the day, hoping that maybe, just maybe, if he can convince them that nothing’s wrong and he’s fine, that one day he might just be able to convince himself.
Authors note:
I know the Doctor is portrayed in a pretty bad light in this, but this fic is from Jack’s point of view and he’s really not in the best frame of mind about anything that's going on. So in short I’m not bashing the Doctor, as I do get why he acted the way he did, it just that I’m not sure that Jack would have seen it like that at the time.
Also a random observation, what Jack is wearing at the End of End of Days is what he is wearing when he catches a lift on the TARDIS in Utopia, however what he is wearing at the end of Last of the Timelords is not what he is wearing when he turns up in Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang.
So is this just one of the many continuity errors or was it deliberate and is meant to imply that there was a gap between Jack leaving the Doctor and rejoining his team.
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no subject
Date: 2008-04-15 04:49 pm (UTC)As for Jack's change of clothing, the Captain's Blog on the BBC websites indicate he DID get back to the hub to find it empty so he checked up on the team's time without him then went off to find them. I'm very sure he showered and changed clothing. You're spot on.
no subject
Date: 2008-04-15 08:55 pm (UTC)It was Jack's hurt and confused expression when the Doctor disables his vortex manipulator, basically telling him, through his actions, that since Jack doesn't want to go travelling with him, that he's not going to be travelling at all, got me thinking. I guess it was because the Doctor could, even after the 'year that never was' treat Jack so poorly.
The fact that after everything, Jack doesn't seem to have any ill feeling about his treatment by the Doctor, that he almost seems to act like he thinks he deserves it, that everything that's happened to him is somehow really his own fault, is just a little bit heartbreaking.
On the clothes thing I haven't read the Captain Blog yet, I think i'll go and check it out.
no subject
Date: 2008-04-15 11:03 pm (UTC)Well written story and thank you for raising the question about how Jack must feel.
It was that part that got me to. He was a Time Agent before they met and could have damaged the time line before, but he never did. Sure he accidentally caused some damage in the Empty Child, but we, the viewers, were made to feel that the Doctor trusted him. I can't see why after ever great think Jack has done, the Doctor would disable it again.
no subject
Date: 2008-04-16 12:42 am (UTC)Okay, back to the philosophical discussion............When Jack was a Time Agent he WASN'T immortal. What might the ramifications be of his criss crossing timelines and dying and reviving?
Okay, I just started to sound like I'm defending the Doctor! Gotta stop that!
no subject
Date: 2008-04-16 12:33 am (UTC)The Captain's Blog from S1 intrigued me and I wrote an entire series of fics based on it. Well, about all the stuff Jack writes about Ianto, anyway! I was writing one for S2 up until Adam and then my friend requested a torture fic! You might like when it's done. It's Jack's year with the Master. It's over 100 pages now. It's dark, violent, bloody and I explore these themes about the Doctor. Instead of using the Doctor to anchor Jack for a year, I'm using the team. It's obvious when he runs across the Plass in Last of the Time Lords that they are where his heart is now.
no subject
Date: 2009-12-06 11:18 pm (UTC)Where can I find the Captain's blog, and is your story finished already, and if, where can I find it?
I think I would like to read that one also.
Many thanks!
Astra
no subject
Date: 2009-12-07 12:10 am (UTC)It was someone's labor of love to pull ALL of the extra material for the first two seasons and put them in one place. You can read the logs and see everything else that was viewable for each episode.
This is the master list for the fic written for the blog for S1
http://kahtyasofia.livejournal.com/47070.html
And this is for S2
http://kahtyasofia.livejournal.com/36778.html
However, both sets of stories are up at AO3 and the coding is much cleaner there and it's easier to link to each story if you want to see it there.
http://archiveofourown.org/series/532
http://archiveofourown.org/series/579
Yes, it all appears done. There was no Blog for COE and I am done with the stories up through the end of S2.
no subject
Date: 2008-04-15 11:06 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-05-22 02:07 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-10-20 12:30 pm (UTC)I actually like your portayal of the doctor, because he does strike me as a very egoistical person especially in his dealings with jack...
will there be more? I certainly hope so!
no subject
Date: 2008-10-20 04:25 pm (UTC)The year that never was gives so much scope for stories, especially since the Master actually said in The Sound of Drums after Jack revives 'and I get to kill him again' while looking pleased about that fact.
The Doctor's treatment of Jack is odd, as he consistantly seems to treat him worse than complete strangers and even people who are trying to kill him or take over the world.
I'd hoped after how the Doctor had treated him in Utopia that by the end of Last of the Time Lords that he'd treat him a little better. But the fact that when Jack says he doesn't want to travel with him his first actions rather than ask him why is to grab his arm and disable Jack's vortex manipulator, does seem like perhaps he's still not as okay with Jack as he was implying.
I forgot to mention it in my post on jackxianto, but there is a third fic, which is sort of connected to this, although was originally written as a stand alone piece. It's from Ianto's point of view rather than Jack's and is set a few weeks after Jack's return.
Closer http://the-silver-sun.livejournal.com/27029.html
There will be more from Jack's point of view, following in from A Sort of Homecoming, which will pick up after the events of Meat.
no subject
Date: 2009-04-01 11:08 am (UTC)*Has endless love for you*
*Pets my darling Jack*
*SMISHES*
no subject
Date: 2009-12-06 11:15 pm (UTC)until it’s surface is a crazed mess --> its surface (it's is actually short for "it is")
but he knows that there’s no way can’t talk about it --> no way he can talk about it
Anyway they need him to lead them, to tell than what to do, --> to tell them what to do
I looked through your tags and clicked onto "The year that never was". I recently have seen those episodes and also was intrigued by the possibilities and untold stories. Don't know whether you watch Stargate, there also was an episode where Jack O'Neill was tortured to death repeatedly and brought back to life for an unknown time span. It made for some great fanfictions.
I know this actually belongs into the other part, but can I please ask you where the reference for the two lost years comes from? This is the first time I hear about this.
Your Jack voice is so spot on and I think he has every right to be disappointed in the doctor. I love mostly the sentences about how he puts on his smiley face for his team and tries to act as if nothing happened. Only that we know it did. And you are right, you CAN see it in his eyes, which is amazing. I constantly forget that it is only an actor, I really see a man there that has lived for 150 years. That is great work by JB, if you ask me.
One consideration - I read somewhere that people think it is a continuity error that the doctor actually knows about Jack's immortality. So, if he did not know then in a way he did not abandon him at the planet, if he thought he really was dead. Didn't he leave before he revived?
no subject
Date: 2009-12-07 11:34 am (UTC)I've watched a some episodes of Stargate but I'm not into the fandom for SG1 or SGA, although I've started watching SGU and might get more into the fandom.
The missing two years are mentioned by Jack in his first appearance in Doctor Who, the two part episode The Empty Child and The Doctor Dances. Previously to meeting the Doctor Jack had worked for the Time Agency. For reasons Jack can't remember they wiped two years of his memories, he left working for them soon after and became the conman that the Doctor met.
The Doctor did abandon Jack. The episode Parting of the Ways when Jack gets his immortality, he's abandoned by the Doctor on a deserted space station. Jack makes his own way to Earth later, trying to find the Doctor, breaking his vortex manipulator in the process and stranding himself 1869 - he then lives on Earth waiting for the Doctor. I think people only wish it was a continuity error because they don't want the Doctor to have done it - this was based on the fact that the TARDIS dematerialised before Jack reaches it at the end of Parting of the Ways. That could have been argued as true until the Doctor Who episode Uptopia where Jack finally catches up with the Doctor the Doctor tells him (this is from the episode transcript:)
JACK: How long have you known?
THE DOCTOR: Ever since I ran away from you.
THE DOCTOR: When did you first realize?
JACK: Earth 1892. Got in a fight in Ellis Island. A man shot me through the heart. Then I woke up. Thought it was kinda strange. But then it never stopped. Fell off a cliff, trampled by horses, World War I, World War II, poison, strangulation, a stray javelin…(the Doctor winces) In the end, I got the message, I’m the man who can never die. And all that time you knew.
THE DOCTOR:
That’s why I left you behind. It’s not easy even just…just looking at you Jack, ‘cause you’re wrong.
JACK:
Thanks.
THE DOCTOR:
You are, I can’t help it. I’m a Time Lord. It’s instinct. It’s in my guts. You’re a fixed point in time a space. You’re a fact. That’s never meant to happen. Even the TARDIS reacted against you—tried to shake you off. Flew all the way to the end of the universe just to get rid of you.
I can't thing how after this anybody can think that the Doctor didn't know and had left Jack behind by accident.